FCC Wants to Stop Children Once and for All Jacob Dickerman | Bio

I've been saying it for years, America. I've been warning you, shouting about it, screaming about it, pulling my hair out of my head about it, but none of you have listened. "Children are dangerous," I've told you. "Children are our future," I've warned. "They're trying to take over the world." Thank god someone finally listened.

The party in question is the Federal Communications Commission, or the FCC as they're called around the cool kids table. I didn't used to think they were on my side, but when I saw that they're getting embroiled in another fight with the Supreme Court to dictate what words could be used on television, I realized what was what. You see, the FCC is insisting that dirty, dangerous words like shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits should be kept off the public airways because of the detrimental effect they could have on children.

I know you're confused. I was too. I initially heard this and my "free-speech alarm" went off. I was stomping around my house talking about "government stormtroopers" trying to "tell me what fucking words I can hear"--you would have loved it. It was very funny. But when I heard that they trying "to protect children," I realized what was really up.

Because it makes no sense to worry about what's said on television at this point. With so many channels, and so many of them actually made for children, plus the networks all adopting that rating system which tells you just how kid friendly every show on TV is, there's pretty much no way that any parent who isn't just using a television as their own personal baby-sitter could let a curse word from the idiot box strike their four year-old's eardrum. So why would the FCC bother to take this up to the Supreme Court? For the publicity people, because the FCC is trying to tell us how we can stop children once and for all.

Curse words...can kill them.

THAT'S RIGHT!! The FCC wants you to realize the damage that curse words can do to children! You see, in an adult brain, large "word paths" exist that allow the naughty words to not damage the delicate cerebral cortex and cause irreparable brain damage, but such pathways in children are small. This can be gleaned from the FCC's policies, if you know how to look at them.

"But," I hear you asking, "if the FCC wants kids to be killed to protect the future, and curse words kill them, why is the FCC trying to take them off the air?" It's an excellent question. And here's your answer. Because the FCC's new research has told them that curse words over the television set only slow children down. It's like when you're fighting a werewolf. You can shoot that werewolf with conventional bullets as much as you like and never worry about it dying. It's only when you shoot it with the special bullet made out of silver that it dies. Curse words over the air are conventional bullets shot at children. The FCC wants you to understand the the real silver bullet is the one said in person.

That's why the FCC and I want you to start cursing directly in the faces of children. Whenever you see a little baby in the street, you need to get in its vile, hateful little face and just say, "Oh bloo bloo bloo bloo. You're a little fucking baby, aren't you? Well shit, what a cute fucking child. You came from your mommy's cunt, didn't you? Didn't you? Yes, your daddy's cock went into your mommy's cunt as they fucked, and nine months later, you came out smelling like shit, didn't you? Didn't you?"

What do you think will happen then? That the child will just hear the tone of your voice and that it'll laugh and giggle? Of course not. Be prepared for special effects to rival the head melting scene in "Last Crusade." Curse words kill children, it's a fact. Now get out there and do something with it.

It's for the future, America.