From: John Edwards and family

Dear friends and family,

Greetings from Elizabeth, Cate, Emma-Claire, Jack and that weird-looking bastard kid I fathered. First off, let me explain what kind of weird that kid is. Man, she looks like she has a giant toe for a nose. That's the best way to explain it. I'm going to take a paternity test--even though we've done four--because, seriously? Toe nose? That's ridiculous...

From: the heads of Lehman Brothers, AIG and Merrill Lynch

...Everything is going fine here, and yes--we are living in a cave. Hey, hang on a second--Richard Fuld is fighting a bear.

From: The Blagojevich Family

Hey fuckers,

Suck our dicks and vaginas, ok? Amy and Anne are doing just fine. You know what?
Fuck this,
The Blagojevich's
The Fucking Blago
The Pussy Hunters
Whatever

From: Michael Phelps

...The funny thing is--no one has noticed how hideous I look. I mean, have you seen me? I look that guy King Hippo from Mike Tyson's Punchout sat on me for a year. Whatever man, I still get crazy tail or whatever hip-hop guys are calling it. Also, if there's any other product that needs to be advertised, I'll literally do anything. Gotta go--a truck with whale meat just showed up. I'm gonna go eat it / sleep in it.

From: New York Governor David Paterson

Hi all,

Well, it's been a heck of a year. From moving up in the ranks, to seeing Barack Obama win an historic election--it has been a wild one.

And, yes,it's true--I think Saturday Night Live went a bit far. Some people might think I lack a sense of humor. That's fine. Maybe they think it's funny and I don't. Hey, here's something that's funny to me and not other people: taxes.
Oh? I'm sorry? You don't like taxes? Oh, man. Sucks for you. Maybe move to a different state or something.

God, I am going to tax you so hard. There will be taxes on bridges you've never heard of, taxes when you try to get a new license. Pizza. Pizza will have like a million taxes. If you say pizza when you're not near pizza you will be taxed because Jesus Christ--enjoy the moment. Stop thinking about pizza you piece of shit.

I will also tax: boats, boat owners, boat riders, whale riders, boots, Kevin Costner, ham, little snow globes with New York City inside of it, the name "Penelope," method acting, those little Russian dolls with other dolls inside of it, hand-jobs, hurricanes and also neckties.

Do you guys SEE what I'm saying?

From: The Pirates in Somalia

...The thing is, we're all just doing this for fun. If a ship comes in then, yeah, let's jump on it and hold everyone hostage but, we all have day jobs. Roscoe, the head pirate is the head of IT for a small insurance company. Me? Well, I'm trying to break into music.

From: The Palin Family

...The kids of course are growing up so fast. Just yesterday I walked into Bristol's room and she had her nose all the way up Levi's butt! I told her I do that all the time with your dad to make sure there are no bugs in there. She just said something like 'Mom, I'm fishing out the heroin he smuggled in from The Yukon Territory, get off my back.' I just love it when we connect.

From: John Edwards and Family

...And really--that's how you 'milk' a horse. Man. How long have I been writing? It seems like a long time. I don't know where my shirt went either. Also, the other day I blacked out. When I woke up, I was choking our dog.

I don't know how to end these things. Also, don't tell anyone I choked a dog. I'm not sure what it means yet. Or, if you do, say something like 'He choked a dog, sure but what'd you do today? Sit there and watch Top Chef all day? Cry about the person you've become?' Something like that.

Alright, cool.
2! (that means peace)
JAWN ED-WORDS