9:01pm: Here goes McCain with his political-figure-inside-a-hospital opening again.

9:04pm: McCain: Hey, we're just gonna buy all your homes, k?

9:07pm: The challenge tonight will be: How many times can he fit "Middle Class" into a sentence and make it make sense?

9:10pm: Coming out this fall on NBC Joe the Plumber: Fixin' Drains and Gittin' Taxed.

9:15pm: "Are you both ignoring reality? Ya'll in some kinda president video game?"

9:17pm: Pay as you go! Just like those Virgin Mobile Phones!

9:18pm: McCain: Hey! It worked in the depression--it'll work now! Also, let's put cocaine back into the coca-cola soft-drink!

9:19pm: McCain: That's a hatchet, then I would get out a scalpel. And then a little paring knife because I got this SIIIIICK cheese platter. Then I'm gonna cut off all a ya'lls fuckin heads with a boomerang.

9:20pm: Obama: Uh...you guys! I also have knives!

9:22pm: Forget talking about earmarks, how about "The Candidates Ears and What do they Say?" Obama's ears are pretty big. Does that mean he listens more? Or just showcase the fact that he can hide little pieces of hamburger in it. McCain's ears are normal and boring. Bob Schieffer kind of has vampire ears. And the cold heart of a Wiccan priest.

9:23pm: McCain: YOU SHOULDA HAD A TIME MACHINE, SON!

9:24pm: God damn McCain is cranky.

9:25pm: How am I a maverick? Let me count the ways...

9:26pm: Schieffer: Ya'll been WILDIN' OUT with that smear shit. Why don't ya'll stop cryin'?

9:27pm: McCain: "You didn't tell the American people the truth because you didn't?" What the fuck?

9:30pm: Obama apparently does not give a shit about football. Anyone catch that incredibly snide "Congratulations!" to McCain? Listen, I care about Anquan Boldin and the re-emergence of Kurt Warner. I am now voting for John McCain. Fuck a single-payer healthcare policy.

9:32pm: How does Joe the Plumber feel right now?
Joe the Plumber: [sitting at home with his wife] I HAVE A LAST NAME.
Joe's Wife: It worked for Thomas the Tank Engine
Joe the Plumber: I AM NOT A FUCKING TRAIN.
Joe's Wife: In the bedroom you are [wink]
Joe the Plumber: Now is not the time, Joe the Plumber's Wife. Oh jesus Christ. Now I'M doing it.
Joe's Wife: Joe, wait--
McCain: Joe the Plumber--
Joe the Plumber: [jumps out window into pine tree] ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, AMERICA?

9:38pm: Doesn't McCain have any weirdo friends Obama can rag on? Grimace from McDonaldland? No. That would be amazing. Grimace--if you're reading this txt me, plz.

9:41pm: "Tell us about your veeps." Otherwise known as: "Look, I know we've been through this but...seriously John?"

9:52pm: I've just been weeping for the last eleven minutes.

9:53pm: If voting were based on facial expressions alone, this would be a landslide. McCain either looks like he's taking a dump, grinding his teeth or trying to force his eyeballs out of his head. On that note--if you know anyone who can actually push his eyes out of his head, please let me know. Need u for a sweet internet vid.

9:55pm: How are free trade and talks with enemies alike? If the enemy talks go well, do we get to go home with a bunch of corn?

9:56pm: And one more time. I beg someone. Please. Please just tell me. What. The. Fuck. Are. One. Of. The. Preconditions?! Just say one of them! Say one thing. Say both people have to wear hilarious hats.

9:59pm: [we now return to: Joe the Plumber]
Joe's Wife: Joe, please come down from that tree.
Joe the Plumber: No. This is where I live now.
Joe's Wife: How will you plumb?
Joe the Plumber: With my brain, Kathy.
Joe's Wife: It's Lisa.
Joe the Plumber: NONE SHALL PASS.

10:04pm: McCain: "Joe, you're rich." The thing is, he will be rich. Because everyone will hire him and go "Theresa, honey, come in here! Come in the bathroom! Look! It's Joe the Plumber!"

10:06pm: Did McCain just say he wants Joe the Plumber to fix healthcare? Also, did he wink?

10:11pm: UH OH. WE GOT TO ABORTION. HERE COMES THE HEAT.

10:12pm: Oh. Ok. Nevermind.

10:13pm: Wait, it's heating up: McCain: Third term abortion...that's just...that's...you know...bad.

10:15pm: "Cindy and I are adoptive parents." By "Cindy and I" he means "That Twig I sit on brought over a kid from India and I couldn't do shit about it."

10:20pm: Here goes McCain with his list of things as an answer "Teach for America...Troops to Teachers..." I love how any list is a suitable answer. Though, he seems to have some kind of handle on education. And on looking like that grandpa you never want to go near. Maybe more so on that than education.

10:24pm: Way to get your disabilities messed up, McCain. Palin's kid is NOT autistic. I think McCain has a disease: dong-brain. It's when you get dongs stuck in your head and you can't say things that aren't dumb.

10:27pm: Yes. End your education argument with a snort.

10:30pm: "I believe we've had a healthy debate." Yes. Even though you burst several veins in your neck.

10:31pm: Obama: Come on. Vote for me, man. Come on. That guy over there? Pssh. I'm gonna give you guys donuts.