I.

Bill Ayers to Obama, 6:51pm: I bet u think I voted 4 u.

Obama to Ayers, 6:56pm: Now is not the time, Bill.

Ayers to Obama, 7:01pm: Well, I didn't. I wrote in Harajuku Girls, because, fuck it. We are all satan's hell-children.

Obama to Ayers, 7:03pm: Great, thanks.

Ayers to Obama, 7:04pm: I am pissing on 19 American flags right now.

II.

Palin to McCain, 7:36pm: If we lose tonight, u can totally be my Chief of Staff in 2012. ;) ;) ;) ;)

McCain to Palin, 7:48pm: You can be my thing I kill right now, in 2008.

Palin to McCain, 7:53pm: The Maverick don't stop! LOL! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

III.

Tim Russert's Ghost to The CNN Election Coverage Team, 8:01pm: Holy shit you guys are dumb.

CNN Team (probably Campbell Brown) to Russert's Ghost, 8:04pm: Hello? Is this a phonecall? How do I pick up? Wolf?

Tim Russert's Ghost to CNN, 8:10pm: Pls die.

CNN to Russert's Ghost, 8:19pm: Gonna throw this thing in toilet, keeps buzzing. If this is a prank pls stop. Got maps 2 touch. Thx.

IV.

Chuck Todd to Ann Curry, 8:27pm: Can we do sexy texting?

Ann Curry to Todd, 8:31pm: No.

Todd to Curry, 8:38pm: ...Means yes?

Ann Curry to Todd, 8:41pm: No. Stop. Inside a green-screen cube right now saying things that don't matter. K?

Todd to Curry 8:47pm: I just put my dick on the prompter

V.

Eliot Spitzer to John Edwards, 8:58pm: Wanna start some kind of commune in the West Indies, where we'll be free of scrutiny?

Edwards to Spitzer, 9:07pm: Totally! We can all pee in one big hole and make cool helmets out of baby skulls. I know a good place to order some...how many do I get? 5,000? A million?

Spitzer to Edwards, 9:15pm: Um. Nevermind.

Edwards to Spitzer, 9:22pm: Oh man! Just found a lady who eats saw blades. She can be minister of defense for the commune, lol.

VI.

David Plouffe to Obama, 9:46pm: If we win this thing, Can I see Michelle naked.

Obama to Plouffe, 9:57pm: No.

Plouffe to Obama, 10:02pm: I heard "yes."

Obama to Plouffe, 10:08pm: No.

Plouffe to Obama, 10:12pm: Ok, that's fine. I'll just send out one of those Obama texts to everyone that says "SIKE, BIGGIE B IS A MUSLIM, SON! GET READY FOR THE DOOMZ!"

Obama to Plouffe, 10:19pm: Fine. Hide in my hotel closet, no touchies.

Plouffe to Obama, 10:22pm: I cannot promise that.

VII.

Ted Stevens to Mark Begich, 10:34pm: HA! YOU CAN'T EVEN BEAT A CONVICT.

Begich to Stevens, 10:46pm: Oh, go get caught in some tubes or whatever.

Stevens to Begich, 10:51pm: 2 late! Watchin' bunch of gang bangs at porno website. U should come over.

VIII.

Cynthia McKinney to John McCain, 10:58pm: Well, looks like the Jews did it again.

McCain to McKinney, 11:02pm: You stop that.

McKinney to McCain, 11:04pm: Fine. I'm gonna go eat bread off of Noam Chomsky's chest.

IX.

Obama to Biden, 11:09pm: WE DID IT, SON!

Biden to Obama, 11:12pm: Can't talk, drinking gas / whiskey out of shoes.

Obama to Biden, 11:15pm: Just be on stage in like 20 minutes, k?

Biden to Obama, 11:22pm: Not likely.

Obama to Biden, 11:26pm: Joe, you are the VP-elect. You have to be there.

Biden to Obama, 11:28pm: Only if you refer to me as the Llama King.

Obama to Biden, 11:30:pm: No, what the fuck.

Biden to Obama, 11:31pm: That's fine, then. I'll just go over to Wrigley field and sleep in the dugouts with some sewer-people.

Obama to Biden, 11:34pm: Fine. Llama King it is.

Biden to Obama, 11:38pm: Also, u have to feed me every night from now on.

X.

Edwards to Spitzer, 11:46pm: Ooh! Also found an online website where u can make ur own hats. LOL, I'm gunna get 1 for us both that says "Tru playa 4 Real." And then we will take pictures standing back to back with gang signs!!! SO EXCITED!

Edwards to Spitzer, 11:52pm: Also, let's buy dream-machines for everyone.

XI.

George W. Bush to John McCain, 12:02am: Hey. Nice speech. Honestly. Come 2 Crawford this weekend. We'll cry on each other.

McCain to Bush, 12:06am: I don't need this shit.

Bush to McCain, 12:10am: I'm serious!!

McCain to Bush, 12:19am: Yeah?

Bush to McCain, 12:22am: No.

Bush to McCain, 12:24am: I don't give a FUCK anymore.

Bush to McCain, 12:27am: I'm gonna buy a bunch of horses and dress 'em up in fat suits.

Bush to McCain, 12:31am: That is going to be funny.

XII.

Nader to Address Book, 1:04am: Nader 2012. And 2016. And 2020. Break in 2024, back huge in 2028. Obama is Uncle Tom. Biden is Hitler. Rahm Emanuel is the Anti-Christ and Colin Powell is Agent Orange wrapped up in a Time-Bomb outside of Darfur.

XIII.

Samantha Powers to Hillary Clinton, 1:32am: How does it feel NOW, MONSTER?

Clinton to Powers, 1:41am: Choke yourself with your Pulitzer.

Powers to Clinton, 1:48am: Too late. That's how I get off.