Wheeling, WV--John McCain told supporters today that Barack Obama is a "good and decent man," but that he "fundamentally disagrees" with what he termed "that one's plan" to "crucify untold numbers of Christians when he seizes power."

In a rambling and often contradictory speech, McCain praised Obama for "raising two wonderful daughters." Yet he quickly added, "What I fear my friends is when he and his hordes sack Washington. How they will smash our statues and melt down our gold. And the impaling my friends. Ohh the impaling".

When questioned about the seeming incoherence of McCain's speech, campaign lobbyist/manager Rick Davis denied both that the speech ever took place and that the technology exists for a linear method of storing information on digital tape.