Dear Santa,

Hey Santa! I'm not sure if you remember me but my name is Jimmy Failla, you actually wrote back to me last year concerning the tractor accident involving Ryan Seacrest and the entire cast of The Real Housewives of New York and while I don't agree with the North Pole's policy on homicides, I do respect your decision.

Well I'm sorry to have my hand out every time we run in to each other but in my defense, it is your job so don't act shocked assbag. Nobody told you to go into the whole Santa racket, I'm sure with your skills at overseeing a toy factory you could have easily landed a management position with several notable companies or at worse, your affinity for reindeer could have cultivated quite a following in the Scandinavian porn industry. That being said, it's that time of year again and I've decided to make a request this year that you will hopefully find more palatable as it doesn't involve 300 Civil War re-enactors or a woodchipper with a Countess in it.

As you know I am a sports fan. I love watching them on TV, I love betting on 'em, but nothings perfect. I have enclosed a list of ways we can improve the whole sports going experience for everyone involved and that includes you, Elf-toucher. Alright here goes.

Please outlaw fantasy football. If I have to listen to one more dick scream at a referee on tv for a call when he doesn't even have money on the game I'm gonna rip out somebody's voice box and eat it quicker than you can say "I have the Chargers as My Defense." Please. Leave the TV screaming to the men who actually have the balls to put their mortgage on the line. While bragging rights with your cubicle mate are nice, I don't need to see your risk averse ass throw a tantrum while I'm trying to hold a family together with the under in the Seahawks game.

Stop singing the Canadian National Anthem before games that involve Canadian teams. 1.5 percent of all professional athletes, that includes hockey, you douchebag fact checkers, are Canadians. That means when the Toronto Blue Jays are in town or the Edmonton Oilers are in town we are forced to sit through not one, but two, horrible versions of a tired song sung by an even more exhausted has been singer AND THERE'S NOT EVEN A CANADIAN IN THE FUCKING BUILDING!!!! Say no more, eh.

Change the commercials that are shown during football games. I know men ages 18-34 are the most targeted advertising demographic in the world but we do get tired of watching the same six things over and over. Every time they go to commercial it is either Beer, pickup trucks, Hair Loss, Pizza Delivery, wrangler jeans, or Viagra. I will give you a hundred bucks for every time you see something on the contrary in a game that is NOT BEING PLAYED ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. Every fucking time. Beer. Pickup Trucks. Hair Loss. Pizza. Blue Jeans. Viagra. Apparently sponsors see a vision of us men that is only complete if we're drunk driving a pickup truck with a full head of hair, a pizza on the dashboard, and a hard on in our jeans.

Stop letting TV Networks show the cast of a tv show that they are promoting in the stands during a game they are televising. It happens every year during the football and baseball playoffs. You'll see the cast of Worst Week or (Gasp!) The Frank Caliendo Show during a play stoppage followed by a plug for the show. Not only is this annoying but half the time it is so obvious that these people aren't fans of this sport that you wan't to put the announcers balls in a vice for acting like they just noticed them in the stands by accident. The worst one I ever witnessed was at the Daytona Five Hundred, a Nascar race, a few years ago, where they tried to promote American Idol by showing the judges in the stands at the race and acting like it was a spontaneous discovery by the cameraman. Sure we believe you FOX! C'mon, what are the odds a British guy, a Black guy, and a retard are going to a sporting event together? It was so obviously fake.! They showed them and Simon was pissed because he knew it was nothing but circles for the next 3 hours, Randy was freaking out that the Klan might have noticed him in the bleachers, and Paula was just licking the fence the whole time. And I love how they act like poor Randy was happy to be the only white guy in a crowd of six hundred thousand! Darryl Waltrip actually said "well Randy looks like he's having a blast" and I'm like Randy is drinking out of a seperate water fountain for christ's sake!!! No more putting the cast at the game. Alright, if you wanna show me the cast of "What not to Wear" during a figure skating competition I'll bite.

Ban the use of the word "sport" in any sentence that also includes the word "hunting" until the deer are aware of the game and are armed. This one's pretty self explanatory you pussy Ted Nugent fans. What do you do when it's not hunting season, do you play tackle football at the mall with people who also don't know their playing?

If we can have a senior tour in golf get me one in Nascar immediately. I think it's wonderful that men in diapers can be on tv every sunday but now let's do something a little more creative. Watching a senior citizen golf match is no different than watching a regular one, boring as fuck. Get some seniors behind the wheel at Bristol Motor Speedway and you've got a recipe for some real action. I can see it now "We are live at the Daytona Five Hundred where we have gone under caution on lap one because the pace car slammed on it's brakes for no reason at all causing 30 cars with their blinkers on to slam into each other."

Alright, there it is Santa. The balls in your court. Don't let me down FAT MAN.

Your Pal,
Jim Failla