North Pole -- Dick Pound, the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency, has announced that Comet and Cupid, two of the twelve reindeer set to fly the sleigh of Santa Claus on December 24 have tested positive for the banned blood thinning substance EPO and will be suspended immediately. The news couldn't have come at a worse time for Team Santa which is facing increased scrutiny after last year's dismal performance resulted in calls for his resignation and he was chided for being out of touch with the times for dropping off seven tons of peanut based products at a pre-school and touching off the biggest class action lawsuit in day care history.

Speaking on a conference call from his home office in Paris, Pound told reporters, "Pharmacological cheating in sports is not a new phenomenon. Unfortunately, the modern era has witnessed explosive growth in new and different ways to achieve false victory. Advances in biochemistry, medicine, and other fields have benefited humanity in countless ways. Sadly, however, some have abused these advances for pursuit of victory at all costs. Our commitment to finding those seeking deceitful victory and bringing them to justice should not be taken lightly by anyone,regardless of their sport or species."

The stunning announcement sent tremors through an already reeling locker room that learned earlier this week that Rudolph will be missing his first flight since taking the lead one foggy Christmas eve after an MRI confirmed that he has a torn Patellor Tendon in his right knee. The red-nosed legend is scheduled for surgery with noted orthopedic specialist Dr.James Andrews in Birmingham Alabama on January 5.

"Great, fucking great" said a visibly agitated Dasher outside of his stall on row 3. "I mean, already lacking a lead reindeer, now we've gotta fly two short..what gives? We haven't flown two short since '98 and we all know how that turned out" he said, referring to the now infamous incident where Mrs. Claus thoughtlessly allowed her brother in law Clyde Folgenberry to hunt on their land and the lives of perennial Pro Bowlers Donner and Blitzen were cut tragically short on Thanksgiving Day. Nine million children went without gifts that year after two rheindeer hired from a temp agency showed up stoned and laughed at Santa's hat for three straight hours.

Long associated with cyclists, Erythropoietin, (pronounced, ah-rith-ro-poy-tin, abbreviated EPO) is a relatively recent entry into the deceitful pursuit of glory. It is a protein hormone produced by the kidney that, after being released into the blood stream, binds with receptors in the bone marrow, where it stimulates the production of red blood cells (erythrocytes). Medically, EPO is used to treat certain forms of anemia (e.g., due to chronic kidney failure). Logically, since EPO accelerates erythrocyte production it also increases oxygen carrying capacity. This fact did not long escape notice of the athletic community.

"EPO has put a whole new spin on blood doping" said six time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong in his controversial new book, entitled, "If I Did It." "No need for messy transfusions, just shoot up with EPO to increase your circulating erythrocyte mass. Until recently accurate testing has been difficult because the recombinant human EPO made in the lab is virtually identical to the naturally occurring form and there are no firmly established normal ranges for EPO in the body. The only previously available route to curtail cheating for sports governing bodies was to ban an athlete if the hematocrit level was too high (e.g., above 50%).Thus, over the past 10 - 15 years some athletes chose to cheat because, as long as we kept our hematocrit levels below 50%, there seemed little risk of getting caught. I was always sure to keep my levels in the moderate range which wasn't easy with one testicle and Sheryl Crow up my ass half the time,believe me."

Santa Claus was unavailable to comment as he was said to be scouring the waver wire for available talent as the deadline approached. He was rumored to be considering a second stint for the multi-talented but troubled reindeer Leroy who was let go after sleeping late on Christmas '06 as well as former great Prancer who has been out of the league since a racist rant on his facebook page on Martin Luther King Day.

The only thing that is known for sure at this point is that Santa better act fast. With the stock price of their parent company Kris Kringle Industries (KRGL) falling precipitously, it closed at 43.55, down 22% from the previous session, the need for a positive announcement out of the embattled North Pole was as urgent as ever. The string of bad news gives further credibility to the rumors that the North Pole will be going to Congress and looking for a 20 billion dollar bailout in early 2009.