I'm a pretty serious person, so I've been following the stock market for a total of about 22 days now. I've learned a fair amount about global finance in that time, which I present to you now, because you don't know any of it.

• The stock market is only interesting if it's crashing horribly

And that's it. That's all I know about the stock market. Oh, and Warren Buffet wants me to buy stock for some reason. Other than that...nothing.

Over the past few days I've tried to keep reading the Econ blogs I found a week or two ago, but unless everyone in the country is talking about bread lines and Jim Cramer is holding a magnum to his temple, I can't get interested. If day traders aren't even threatening to jump, count me out. If I don't hear the "keep your money in a mattress" joke a dozen times in a day, I'm not going to check the Wall Street Journal's homepage.

Does this make me a bad person? It might, but it probably doesn't. I can only keep financial information in my brain for about as long as I can remember an unfamiliar telephone number, which is to say maybe an afternoon. After that I just say things like, "the mortgages were bundled, and then re-bundled, and then they were rated higher than they should have been..." and eventually I jump around in a puddle until my strange puddle jumping habit becomes the subject of the conversation.

Sure, I've lost a few friends through the puddle jumping distraction, but I would've lost more if I tried to explain what I mean when I say, "I'm not for the bailout, but we have to do something." What do I mean when I say that? Who knows?! Not me! I'm just talking, when I should be puddle jumping. See, we're already talking about that again, instead of AAA-rated bonds that turn into junk for some reason that doesn't have to do with mud or rain or standing water.

Have I learned anything from the past few weeks? Only what I already knew, which is that blood-lust and crisis can make the driest subject interesting, but once the afternoon is over, I have no idea what your phone number is.