The U.S. is not only the world's sole remaining superpower, but also the only democracy secure enough to hold its presidential elections in elementary school gyms with equipment administered by fat, mean little old ladies who can't see and don't understand t alphabetization when it comes to looking up your name in the registration book.

Although the election has already been decided for weeks, here are some important questions and answers designed to make you feel like you're part of the process:

HOW MANY TIMES CAN I VOTE?
As set forth in the Constitution, you may vote once in a voting machine, or as many times as you like via e-mail, 1-800 number or text message.

HOW DO I WRITE IN A CANDIDATE?
You write it on a piece of paper, which is put in a box and then later thrown away.

DOES MY VOTE COUNT?
Only if you live in a battleground state. If you live in a non-battleground state, you might as well vote for LaRouche or write in Quick Draw McGraw.

CAN I VOTE FOR NADER?
No.

BUT I THOUGHT I COULD VOTE FOR WHOEVER I WANT.
That's only true for the major parties. Remember, using the write-in process, you can mix and match and create your own administration. For example, Obama-Palin, Biden-Cindy or Madonna-A-Rod.

HOW DOES MY VOTE FIGURE INTO THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?
Your vote is a small but insignificant part of the gradual decline of the United States from an economic giant to a mid-level warring state, like Sparta or wherever the Mongols lived.

WHAT IS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE?
Once an aristocratic institution designed to protect citizens from their own popular vote, the Electoral College is now also a fully accredited school with a campus, football team and lunchroom facilities. Financial aid is available depending on how big your state is. Graduates now supervise voting at school boards, legislatures and American Idol.

JUST A FEW MORE QUESTIONS.
Come on, come on! I got a Q&A with the Missouri League of Women Voters in ten minutes . . .

IS AL FRANKEN THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO RUN FOR SENATE?
No. All Senators are comedians. Al Franken will just be the first one to have appeared on SNL and opened for James Taylor.

WHAT IS THE BRADLEY EFFECT?
I don't know. I think it has something to do with Milton Bradley. This is what they talk about on CNN when there isn't anything to talk about. Go watch Lifetime or something.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DON'T VOTE?
That just means more power for America's senior citizens. Mossbacks vote in record numbers and will continue to do so until they die, which is usually shortly after election day. You wouldn't think people who aren't going to see the future would be in such a hurry to fuck with it, but they are.

AS I SEE IT, EACH VOTE IS AN INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED CHEESE SLICE OF AMERICAN POWER. ONE SLICE BY ITSELF MAY SEEM INSIGNIFICANT, BUT TAKEN AS A WHOLE, THEY ADD UP TO A FULL PACKAGE OF INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED CHEESE SLICES. I MEAN, VOTES.
I believe it was Lincoln who said American cheese divided against itself cannot stand. Do you have a question?

WHO WILL WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
Better you should ask who will win the Super Bowl, who will win the Kentucky Derby, who will win the World Cup? Who will win the race against time? The fight for justice? The struggle for peace? Some mysteries cannot be unraveled in advance.

YES, I KNOW. BUT WHO WILL WIN?
Obama.