The Pilgrims came to this country so they could practice religious freedom, and also so they could wear big hats made out of black construction paper. They set aside one day for an awkward turkey dinner. Most important, they created Black Friday, the ominous-sounding day after that heralds the beginning of Christmas greed.

Although we think we have it hard today, we must remember that the Pilgrims had no cable, Xbox or iTunes, and their primary forms of entertainment were scurvy, smallpox and early death.

During their first winter in the New World, of the 18 Pilgrim women, 13 died. Another died in May, leaving only four for the first Thanksgiving. This was not only a tragedy, but also a Lifetime made-for-TV movie waiting to happen.

Records exist of that first Thanksgiving, including this passage from the diary of Miles Standish:

I spake to Chief White Feather, "It is goode to have your peoples here todaye."

He replied, "There would have beene more, but you shot them yesterdaye."

"Aye," I said, "but it is goode that we can come together in peace. Pass the salt?"

"Get it your owne self. I ain't passinge no goddamn salt."

Presidents have unofficially declared the fourth Thursday of November to be Thanksgiving, although in 1940, to give merchants a longer time to sell goods, FDR declared the third Thursday as Thanksgiving. Confused states celebrated both the third and fourth Thursday.

So in 1940 America had one president and two Thanksgivings, as opposed to today, when we have one Thanksgiving and two presidents.

Although the Pilgrims' influence today is limited to sexual repression and Goth fashion, they are still relevant. Although the Pilgrims would have marveled at our trillion dollar deficit and ownership by the Chinese, they would have related to us, as they, too, had no health care or auto industry.

Someday, 400 years from now, second-grade children may make construction paper cut-outs of the true Pilgrims of our time--Henry Paulson and George W. Bush--who boldly led us into unchartered waters and a new holiday of our own, Banksgiving.