Due to an amazing confluence of circumstances, Malia Obama and Sarah Palin taped an episode of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? hosted by comedian Jeff Foxworthy, just two weeks ago--a few days before Palin was announced as John McCain's VP pick. Sarah Palin chose Malia Obama as her "classmate." The episode hasn't aired yet, and the FOX network refused to release an advance copy. However, I was able to procure a transcript of the episode.

Jeff Foxworthy: All right, Mrs. Palin, you've chosen "1st Grade Civics" as your category. (Looking at cue card.) Here is your question: How old do you have to be to vote in the United States?

Sarah Palin: 21-years old. (Pause.) And, you should be 17-years old before you have children.

Foxworthy: Excuse me!?

Palin: You see, my daughter is 17 and she's pregnant. But that only means she's growing up a little faster than my husband and I would have planned... Actually, the fact that she was f - - - ing at 17 also means she's been growing up a little faster than my husband and I would have planned.

Foxworthy: You know, Mrs. Palin - - -

Palin: Governor Palin.

Foxworthy: I had no idea you were a governor.

Palin: Well, I've only been a governor for two years. I was on the PTA ... one thing lead to another... now I'm a governor. Someday I might be president! Who knows? Sometimes s--- just falls in your lap! One day you're holding teas for new teachers - next day you are outlawing abortion!

Foxworthy: Anything is possible in America, but I - - -

Palin: (Turning to studio audience.) Does anyone in the audience have a child with Down syndrome? I do! Because I didn't have an abortion. I deserve a lot, a lot, a lot, of credit for that. And, my daughter is keeping her baby! She deserves a lot of credit...

Foxworthy: Governor Palin, maybe - - -

Palin: Of course, if we outlawed abortion then we wouldn't have had a choice and we'd get no credit. Hmmmm...

Foxworthy: Your logic does seem - - -

Palin: It all begins in the home! Like you know that guy John McCain? Senator of Arizona? He's married. But I got a call from him a couple of days ago. Out of the clear blue sky! Says he wants to "vet" me! Vet?! Yeah well, vet some other babe! Says we're "soulmates!" Ha! That line might work in a hotel in Hanoi buster, but I just hung up the phone. So what if you stay in a lot of hotels? You know what kind of guy keeps checking into hotels? Homosexuals! Homosexuals on their honeymoons! What kind of family would that be for a child? Traditional family values are what I believe in. I've got five kids and I put them first. "Working mother?" Ha! You wouldn't catch me being a wor--- (Look of horror.) Oh my God... I have to resign!

Foxworthy: Well, according to your logic - - -

Palin: (Head in her hands.) Why couldn't you have asked me a question about hockey?

Foxworthy:That might have been better.

Palin: I'm so tired. (Looks up.) Do I have to play the rest of the game?

Foxworthy: No, that's fine. But, the tradition on our game is if you don't go all the way, you have to turn to the camera and say, "I am not smarter than a - - -"

Palin: "Go all the way?" You people in the media are obsessed with my family's sex life! I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE!

Foxworthy:Okay, in this case we'll make an exception.

Palin: Thank you. (Sigh of relief. Turns to Malia.) Malia, I'm sorry, but I think I shouldn't continue... for the good of everyone involved. But thank you.

Malia: You're welcome, Governor Palin. And, if it makes you feel any better, I think people's families are off-limits, and people's children are especially off-limits.

Palin: "Malia?" Does that have anything to do with snowmobiling?