Bill O'Reilly's Worst Year Ever

2008 has not been a very good year for Bill O'Reilly. And while there's no definitive proof that there is a God, we offer up the following pieces of empirical evidence:

1. Paul Krugman wins the Nobel Prize
This had to drive Bill nuts. There are few people he hates more than Krugman. For years, his thinly veiled contempt for the respected New York Times columnist has roiled beneath the surface. In fact, O'Reilly regularly questions Krugman's patriotism:

I don't believe Paul Krugman gives a fig about the troops. And he's -- I'm picking on him because I don't like him. I don't. I mean, you know, obviously if you saw me and him on CNBC last year, I took him apart.

Two things right away: Who says "gives a fig"? And O'Reilly never came close to taking Krugman apart. He was loud and churlish and made a bunch of demonstrably false statements while Krugman stared at him in the wary sort of way that a zookeeper looks at a monkey holding a clump of poo.

But Bill shouldn't be too envious of Krugman's elevated prestige. If there's ever a Nobel Prize for not being able to read a teleprompter, we're confident Bill will be in the running.

2. Obama wins the presidency
As much as O'Reilly wants you to believe he didn't have a horse in the race, he hates that Obama won. Bill was on the attack night after night leading up to the election, whether it was the constant stories on Rev. Wright and Bill Ayers or dragging out has-been actresses to tote his crazy bags for him.

Of course, after the results were final, O'Reilly was quick to connect the commie dots:

It's no accident that far-left Americans, secular-progressives, are pushing the envelope now that a liberal has been elected president. In the month since Barack Obama won the election, we have seen violence over gay marriage, an atheist attack on Christmas, and various attempts to legalize marijuana as well as prostitution.

Yes, in fact 2009 might be the year that we secular-progressives finally win our war on Christmas. Hide your mincemeat, bitches. Brother Ramadan is moving in at 1600 -- an address that changes all the rules!

3. Al Franken wins his Senate race (we're calling it first)
Needless to say, Bill didn't want Franken to win. He even broke his much-professed "I don't tell you how to vote" rule by telling his viewers exactly how to vote just eight days before the election:

Electing unqualified people simply because you are angry with the Bush Administration will drastically weaken this country. The best example I can give you is Al Franken, who is running for the Senate in Minnesota. A far-left extremist, Franken's tenure on the Air America Radio Network was punctuated by one word: hate. The man is a smear merchant and a rank liar, unqualified for any elected office.

O'Reilly went on to say that, if elected, Franken would vote for every ACLU-driven impediment to fighting terrorism, support more entitlement spending, and "will promote San Francisco values any way he can." And perhaps most importantly, "If you think the economy is bad now, wait until far-left loons like Franken get through with the federal budget."

O'Reilly failed to mention that Franken would make gay porn mandatory in middle-school sex-ed classes, sponsor a bill to require industrial arts classes to spend a minimum of six weeks on bong fabrication, and that terrorist suspects would now be given warm milk and cookies after we gently electroshocked their nutsacks and/or labia.

4. Bill finds out the hard way that there are actually two kinds of loofahs--one of which is a dry, coarse, abrasive, gourd-derived material used for scrubbing away unsightly dead skin and the other of which is not.
Like the Franken Senate victory, this is, as of this writing, still unconfirmed.

Looking toward '09...
So will a new year turn things around for Bill? It can't get much worse. But just for fun, we came up with a little list of things that would make the next 12 months even more sour for our favorite sourpuss:

George Soros starts dating Megyn Kelly.
Yes, we're quite sure Bill wanks it to Megyn's Fox News clips nightly. It would really make his stomach turn to know that a liberal billionaire was humpin' on that.

Ward Churchill launches Lil' Eichmanns children's clothing line.
The "SS" is for "sensible and stylish." Available exclusively at Target.

Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer launch new restaurant chain
Come visit O'Reilly's Sponges and Mediterranean Cuisine, and be sure to ask for an extra helping of the "Please, Please, Please, Please, Oh Please Let Him Sue Us" Lemon Tahini Sauce. Yeah, we know the reference is obscure, but we've secured a great location for the first store right by Kate's Paperie.

Video surfaces on YouTube of O'Reilly getting toes sucked by Dick Morris.
Seriously, just picture that for a minute. Really think about it. Okay, now imagine O'Reilly moaning and groaning while Morris is making a lot of "mmmmm" noises.

That's it. Now you got it.