So I'm watching the "debate" last night (as though 'debate means "stump speech while sitting down") and couldn't believe my eyes or ears. John McCain, war hero, patriot, maverick (okay HE says he's a war hero...for me, getting shot down three times doesn't make someone a hero, it makes them a lousy pilot) was desperate. Desperate like a horny old queen at the sidewalk sale when the gay bars empty out at 4:00 am, and he'll go home with virtually anything.

Desperation is an ugly color and McCain doesn't wear it well. In between his petty verbal snipes and false accusations, he was grimacing, scowling and pouting. He reminded me of George W. Bush during his debates with Al Gore. Even worse, he reminded me of my mother at holiday dinners, when, having mistimed her medications, she would smirk, harrumph and belittle anyone who had the audacity to ask her to pass the potatoes. And while McCain's Festival of Sneers was on screen, front and center, Barack Obama just sat there and smiled, broadly. A knowing smile; a smile that says, "You are so, toast, dude."

But I fear Barack may have been smiling too much, too soon. For desperate people do desperate things, and with Karl Rove driving the Mean-Talk Express, there is no telling what the Republicans will do to pull McCain's ass out of the fire.

Until now. The following are emails from The McCain Campaign:

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
From: theroveinator@badguy.com

John,

Much better last night. That controlled anger thing was just great. Reminded me of Bubba, all flushed and sweaty when he looked into the camera and said "I did not have sex with that woman!" You seemed to genuinely loathe Obama, and actually resented even being on stage with such an uppity, young naïf. Well done. Now the bad news; it doesn't matter--in fact, you're even farther behind in the polls today, after you let America see the REAL you.

But buck up, soldier--there are nineteen days left...and don't forget, God, he who trumps the Constitution, built the world in seven days! We've got almost a whole 'nother week to fix this!

Karl

To: theroveinator@badguy.com
From: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov

Karl,

I've cc'd everyone on your last email. Looking for ideas for all quarters. Taking tomorrow off...Cindy and I are going to house # 12 for 24 hours of R&R.

JM

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
From: eskimohuntress

John,

Saw Karl's email and I disagree with him; I think we're way ahead in the polls. Anyway, you were GREAT! I must say though, that I hope my All-American rhetoric isn't goin too far over the top and costin' us votes. I didn't think accusing THAT ONE of "pallin' around with terrorists," or implyin' that he wanted to blow up his own country was so bad.

Sarah

To: eskimohuntress
From: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
Cc: theroveinator@badguy.com

SP,

Thanks for the support. I have an idea I'd like to run by everyone. What do you think of this: Obama is from Chicago. John Dillinger got shot in front of The Biograph Theater in Chicago. Obama once drove past that theater. We can say he "pals around with the Mafia."

JM

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
Cc: eskimohuntress
From: the roveinator@badguy.com

John:

I like it! And it doesn't matter that Dillinger was a) not in the Mafia or b) died before Obama was born. Sarah - maybe you can point out that if Barack had his was way, the police wouldn't be allowed to have guns and that Dillinger would STILL be walking around today, sticking up banks and stealing Americans' hard-earned savings.

Karl

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
cc: the roveinator@badguy.com
From: eskimohuntress.com

John & Karl,

I can do that, don'tcha' know. Cause if there's one things Americans DON'T want, other than civil liberties, it's some Arab from a big city takin' their guns and stealin' their 401ks.

SP

To: eskimohuntress
From: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
Cc: the roveinator@badguy.com

SP,

I agree wholeheartedly that you agree with me. I've been serving my country since 1858 and I want to serve even more, and with your help I can do it! How about this...maybe Obama's parents timed it perfectly so he would be born into a time of peace and would never be age eligible to serve his country in a time of war, like I did or like my son and your son are doing. Maybe his parents are cowards who don't like war!"

JM

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
From: eskimohuntress
Cc: the roveinator@badguy.com

John,

That may be a hard sell ... who doesn't like war? Everyone I know does, particularly all of us hockey moms in the pro-life movement.
SP

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
From: secondwifeofoldwhiteguy@arizona.gov

Honey,

Would it be okay if we went to house # 9 instead of house # 12? I don't think any of our cars are at house # 12; I think I may have left two cars, #'s 7 and 4 at house # 8. Oops! (Don't be mad).

Cindy

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
From: eskimohuntress
Cc: the roveinator@badguy.com

Guys,

I have a really super-duper idea. Halloween's comin up, right? How about we dress up 10,000 kids in swing states in Obama costumes, and when they're trick or treatin' they loot all the houses and maybe the boys can even do some vandalism...nothing serious, you know, just spray paintin tribal symbols and stuff?

SP

To: eskimohuntress
From oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
Cc: theroveinator@badguy.com

SP,

Love it. Just great. And maybe then we can dress up some kids as me and put them RIGHT BEHIND the kids in the Obama costumes and when they get to the houses they call the police and help keep America safe from evil.

JM

To: eskimohuntress
From: theroveinator@badguy.com
Cc: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov

Sarah,

I'll one up you...got an even BETTER idea. It's complicated, so hear me out. Your daughter, what's her name, you know the pregnant one...um, Trick, Tramp. Anyway, you don't know for SURE that that stupid boy she's banging is actually the father do you? I mean, you weren't in the truck with them at the time, right? SOOOOOOO it's not impossible that the baby could be Barack Obama's! Now, I know she would never voluntarily throw it down with a...a...um...democrat...so MAYbeeee he forced himself on her. Connecting these dots would really solidify our base...make your daughter seem less like a whore and more like a victim, and in spite of the forced sex and incest (Obama is a 'brother,' no?), she decided to keep the baby, anyway. How fabulous is this idea? How fabulous am I?

Karl

To: eskimohuntress
To: theroveinator@badguy.com
From: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov

Sarah,

What Karl is proposing is pretty radical...but then again, we're mavericks! I've always said that family issues are out of bounds--my point is, that while I appreciate your dragging your special needs baby to every photo op, this has to be your call and your decision. (Who says I don't give women the right to choose, ha-ha)? Talk to Todd and let me know what he thinks.

JM

To: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov
To: the roveinator@badguy.com
From eskimohuntress

John,

Wow, this is gettin' interestin'. I'll talk to Todd. But I have one question: When can we just come right out and say what we're thinkin'..."Don't vote for the n****r?"

SP

To: eskimohuntress
From: theroveinator@badguy.com
Cc: oldwhiteguy@arizona.gov

Sarah,

Let's see where our poll numbers are in a week.

Karl