There were several ballot initiatives during this last election; some are still being talked about, such as the ban on gay marriage in California. But I want to know why we only have ballot initiatives on stupid shit. And for those of you who aren't "in the know" when it comes to political speak, "stupid shit" is a Latin phrase that loosely translates to "idiocis pooprem."

The ballot initiatives this past election largely consisted of banning gay people from kissing in public because it could threaten our national security, allowing sick people to smoke a joint so they can have a momentary break from their excruciating pain (something that should've been legalized before man developed language), and whether an egg is a person. That's right, Colorado had a ballot initiative on whether an EGG should be given its own seat on the bus. I personally think an egg is a person along with staplers, waffle irons, and only the most gregarious sets of house keys.

So back to my larger point--stupid shit. Why don't we Americans ever have ballot initiatives on important matters like whether we should stop the genocide in Darfur? Or should we make sure every human on earth has access to clean water? Or should we as a country burn at the stake half of all people producing YouTube videos? Honestly, half of those people can die. BUT since I don't like to just murder people, let's use them for something useful. Let's use them to stop the frequent forest fires in California. We're losing too many brave fire fighters, so let's throw some YouTube "video makers" on the flames instead. We could drop them out of the helicopters by the thousands and their bodies would smother the flames.

So where's the ballot initiative on those things?? You get my point: ENOUGH with the idiocis pooprem!

Let's get it together America, and at the next election let's have real questions on the ballots instead of ONLY whether a fetus should get to pick the television channel you're watching. Here are some recommendations:

1) Should we replace expensive parking tickets with a form of tickle punishment?

2) Should we swap the amount of jail time people get for smoking natural substances with the amount of jail time companies get for forcing us to smoke (breathe) cancer-causing substances? For instance, if you're caught forcing the country to inhale noxious fumes, the court gives you ten years in jail. If you're caught with a large amount of weed, the court gives you a smile and a wink.

3) Should we stop the planet from melting and killing us?

4) The idea of fire hydrants on every corner has been quite useful for our society. Should we not further that idea with free cupcake dispensers on every corner? HOWEVER, you can still park in front of the cupcake dispensers.