Recently Dick Cheney admitted to war crimes on national television. In an interview he said he helped push through the approval for torture, which is against the Geneva Conventions. And yet, right now it appears that no charges will be brought against him, no lawsuits filed.

Although this is certainly the worst of his crimes, Teflon Dick is no stranger to breaking laws and getting away with it. (Tangential thought: A Teflon dick would be a truly horrible aberration.) Here's a list of Cheney's other criminal acts:

1. Shot his friend in the face with a shotgun. You might be thinking, "But it was an accident, so that's not a crime." May I direct your attention to Exhibit A: Plaxico Burress. He accidentally shot HIMSELF and may end up in prison for years. Cheney shot a lawyer and received nothing more than a high-five.

2. Had sexual relations with Lynne Cheney, which is a crime against nature.

3. Sexually abused George W. Bush. What else could one call it when someone has their hand up someone else's ass for eight years?

4. Picked federally protected wildflowers, yelled at them "God hates you because you're happy!!" and then carefully transported them home to insert into his personal paper shredder. Did the same with no less than seven federally protected pig-footed bandicoots.

5. Created a homosexual Republican daughter. The crime is obviously not the homosexual part (and if you thought that, you're a douche bag). The crime is beating Republican hatred into her brain when her skull was still soft and sealing it up with industrial-grade epoxy before reason and rational thinking could neutralize it, resulting in a human being who subscribes to a worldview that despises her own sexual orientation.

6. Beat a small Pomeranian to death with a wingtip loafer after it shat on his porch. There's no proof of this, but doesn't it seem like something he would do?

7. Smiled at an infant, instantly turning it to solid granite. The resulting statue is now part of the outer architecture of the New York Met.

8. Paid for one Washington Post, took two out of the dispenser.

9. Committed adultery with prostitutes. "Where's the proof?" you ask. The man's married to Lynne Cheney. Halliburton moved its headquarters to Dubai - country motto, "The best hookers in the world! And who will find out - we're in fucking Dubai!" You do the math.

10. Damaged national treasures. After using the privy, the Vice President insists on only wiping his ass with objects from the Smithsonian Museum, even when the pieces are not suitable for the purpose - such as George Washington's wooden false teeth, Frances Cleveland's solid African childtooth opera glasses and Martin Van Buren's handmade ivory mutton chop stabilizer.

So even if the whole insisted-our-military-break-the-long-standing-international-rules-of-warfare-by-torturing-sometimes-innocent-men doesn't get Cheney sent to prison, shouldn't one of his many crimes be prosecutable? And don't even get me started on his fashion crimes! Did you see the yellow and red tie?!