In a bizarre development, current Illinois Governor and future prison bitch Rod Blagojevich was attempting a 'pay-to-host' scheme involving late night comedian Jay Leno. In a hastily arranged and poorly catered news conference, Gov. Blagojevich is alleged to have tried to extort money, goods and favors in exchange for becoming host of NBC's The Tonight Show. Blagojevich was apparently not aware that Conan O'Brien was already tapped to take over the Tonight Show and that Jay Leno wasn't really leaving anyway.

Officials showed reporters stacks of evidence that Blagojevich tried to get payoffs from people as diverse as disc jockey Steve Dahl, professional Oprah friend Gail King and Blagojevich's own wife. The team of investigators led by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald included an IRS investigator, an FCC official and Stuttering John. Officials at NBC could not be immediately reached for comment since they were planning to roll out a version of Knight Rider to air seven nights a week.

Assembled reporters were visibly stunned as they attempted to phonetically sound out Blagojevich's name.

Transcripts of Blagojevich's conversation could prove both devastating and entertaining in court. At one point, Blagojevich is heard saying, "I'm the [bleeping] kingmaker here. [Bleep] Leno if he thinks I'm just [bleep]ing myself over so his [bleep] [bleep] can [bleepity bleep bleeper bleep] himself, then Jay [bleeping] Leno and his [bleep] can kiss my motherfucking asshole and fucking blow me in the shitty men's room at the fuckin' Billy [bleep] Tavern."

A visibly badass Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald told reporters, "This is a new low. Apparently our stenographer doesn't understand how our new bleep machine works. They seem to think it's like popular 1970s game show The Match Game with Gene Rayburn. Abraham Lincoln is rolling in his [bleep]. Seriously, stop that."