BEEEEEP

Hey there, it's me....Hillary! I just had the MOST effed up weekend. I got...like totally wasted alllll weekend, but I had to tell you all about it even on voicemail because seriously....I was so totally wasted. I was. Now I just want to like spew alllll over. I swear, if that Michelle Obama were here, I would spew chunks in her hair, totally I would. And I would be proud of my spew for the first time in my adult lifetime. (Hiccup.)

Okay, so here's what happened. So my whole week had been just going totally crappy, but in my head, I was like all Loverboy and just workin' for the weekend. That song was just in my head, keepin' me going, and if you THINK about the lyrics, they are awesome and sooo totally true for me right now because everybody IS going off the deep end and everybody DOES need a second chance. Especially me. Seriously, listen to that song over and over after throwing down shots and you'll cry like I did. Why does Loverboy have to be Canadian? They could totally have played at my inaugural. Life sux.

Okay, so, anyway, Friday. So the night before, my dumbass husband decides to help me --and I am so putting quote marks around the word help--by bringing the Bosnia sniper whatever effing thing up again, PLUS he says I'm sixty so I can't remember shit, and I hear this and I'm like, well THANKS, so totally NOT. And so I text him and I'm like, "SHUT UP OR ILL RIP UR DICK OFF," and then he texts me back, "Yes, Ma'am," and I can't tell whether he's serious or is going to let me Domme him again next time we're in Chappaqua, but whatever, you know me and Bill, and I can't quit him. I guess he was trying to help. Asshole.

So, that's all happening before the weekend even starts and I need something to cheer me up, and then someone shows me 10 seconds of some long, dumb speech that Ba-retard gave in San Francisco or whatever that if you listen to it just right, it sounds like he hates small town hicks or Jesus or something, saying that they are clingy. So, NOW I'm totally thinking the weekend will be great because everyone will think about THIS instead of me.

Now, of course, I could have just let this ride out and not said anything over the weekend except you know me and I CAN'T not say anything.

So, on Saturday, I have been playing those two lines from his speech over and over in my head and I am now actually starting to really feel BAD for those small town hicks, like getting myself worked up about it. Plus I've been reading what the Republicans are saying and it seems like this could be a big deal that O-blahblah really like HATES small people, so I'm just saying even if it sounds weird, I felt LIKE a small town hick. That's when I started talking about guns and hunting and going to church and how I used to shoot animals in Sunday school, and stuff. I wanted to even do an accent like one of them because I love doing accents--but I watched the video for John Cougar Mellencamp's Little Pink Houses, and I couldn't get it down.

Then it's Saturday night and I'm thinkin' of drinkin'. Gimme a Crown and call me Queen!

Skip to Sunday, and now I don't even remember what I said or did or anything. I'm like, I was totally WILD yesterday. Maybe it was the shot, but I think it was the beer. Then they made me sit in this like forum or whatever where all these tightasses kept going on about God or whatever, and I had to sit there and smile the the whole stupid time, but I was so torn up from the night before that I could not even move my face. I swear.

So, then in my head, there are all these lights on me and suddenly--and I have zero idea how this popped into my head--suddenly I'm like totally furious at Al Gore. I think it's because he won a prize for basically doing a weather report with his laptop and calling it movie, but Bill goes out with a bunch of diseased people and he doesn't even win a People's Choice Award. But I'm on stage, so I'm like "Okay, let it go, Hillary," and I stay calm and just say that maybe nobody has elected a Democrat because they are ALL elitist. But I didn't say anybody's name, so maybe nobody noticed.

Okay, so that was my weekend. Wild, I know. I think this will be a good week, though. After the last few weeks, I was worried I might end up looking like a hypocritical lying phony who attacks other Democrats using the same tactics as Karl Rove, but after this weekend...I think I look pretty chill.