Bill. Hill. This is Satan sitting on your shoulder. Nice suit by the way, Hill. Love the red on you. And Bill, love all the pink ties. Very subtle. Very bumpkinsexual of you. I am Satan and I enjoy your clothes, but I digress.

I am here to tempt you. I do that because I'm Satan and that's the gig, really. Temptation, then eternal punishment. Right now I'm doing temptation, and you two have been great customers lately. Have I mentioned I'm Satan?

Well, I (Satan) am back and I'm swinging for the fences, like Barry Bonds after a sharp poke in the ass. I'm talking the BIG temptation...the thing you want most.

Call him 'uppity'.

You know you want to say it. So. Say. It.

You're on stage in Pittsburgh or Indianapolis. Thousands of your supporters there. Reporters and cameras everywhere. The room darkens. A single spotlight hits you as you stroll onto the stage. You step right up the microphone. A wave to someone up in the bleachers. A pause. Now, do that grin that Chris Rock does where he looks like he's trying to poop.

"Barack Obama sure is uppity, isn't he?"

The crowd leaps to their feet when all the taut tension of things implied but not quite said is suddenly free. Their laughter and applause is a sudden shotgun blast that you can feel on stage. Your audience is suddenly one, fused together by your words.

"He is, isn't he? Uppity, uppity, uppity. And I don't know about you--but there's nothing that that messes with my head more an uppity black man."

A pause slightly longer than you'd like. A few 'whoas!' from the crowd. Then you hear it. The low smacks of clapping start to multiply and ripple across the crowd like sonic dominoes, and now the crowd is in full applause mode. But not the blast of applause like when you first said it. Not the shock applause. Now that you've laid it all out there, the crowd is giving you the slow, firm applause of respect.

And now you're free.

You've teased everyone long enough. Enough with the dry humping on the whole race thing. Put it in already and shake it all about. The Republicans know how to do it. You've watched them play race like a saxophone. Oily fingered manipulation that honks out the melody of hate by implication, never hitting the notes, but playing the spaces between. You've fumed watching the Republicans do it for decades, obsessed over the cynicism, but slowly I've turned you from hatred to envy. Slow temptation, one of the things that I (in my role as me, i.e. Satan) do best. I did it to Salieri, too.

Boy, he's had it coming. Boy. You've EARNED the third term, and a forth, too. Who does he think he is? And to YOU? Black people LOVED you. You were the first black president, and they even forgave you for having such a white wife. Does Obama not know who you ARE? You two are the best minds of your generation, but he's made you look destroyed by madness and dragging yourself through the negro streets at 3 a.m. looking for an angry fix.

The Wright thing; so close. Just a Cindy McCain hair away. You got it out there, almost. The subtext was clear and some voters picked up on it.

Obama secretly hates white people.

You both know if there's one thing white people don't like, it's the idea that not-white people don't like them. Whatever we thought about those other people or whatever, we were just going to keep it to ourselves and not cause a fuss. But, non-whites, if you come out and say you don't like us, well then you started it.

The Wright thing was going good. Then he goes a makes another fucking speech. Oh, don't you want to go all Mr. Blonde / "Stuck In The Middle With You" on Obama's big doofy ears and stuff them in his mouth just to shut him up?

Now this whole 'bitter' thing. You had him good. He called that small town in Pennsylvania and Ohio voters 'bitter.' Bill, Hill--you tried your best for those voters, you know that. You were distracted by the right wing media. Working hard for health care. Held down by sniper fire. The voters know that, and they aren't bitter at all.

But Barry is already out there making his stupid speeches, filled with facts and observations that are obvious and true to anyone not hypnotized by ideology. Time for the U Bomb.

Stay on message. Obama hates white people. Like it not, Bill and Hill--you're white people. Ergo, he hates you. It's even his fault, which is really why you almost like him. His little speeches are cute, like those YouTube videos where they train a baby to memorize Star Wars trivia or teach a cat to flush the toliet.

But you're smart enough to not be tricked. Cute, but he hates you. And in an infuriating, smug way. Like he's smarter or better or ahead in the delegate count or the popular vote or the number of states won. Like that shit matters.

Stop with the conscience. It's not racism. You know that you're not racist. Look how many of your ex-supporters are black!

Now, both of you...get out there. Lay it on the line. If both of you say it same day, different speeches, it'll be a meme in two days. Everone will get used to it. Uppity Obama. It almost rhymes. It'll appear in quotes first, then will just slip right into everyday conversation. And then you win.

What's with the pursed lips and sad wittle faces? No regrets, right? We talked about this. You want to win, you play hard. You're not quitters, right?

Look right in my eyes, my big Satanic eyes. You're both so beautiful to me right now and Satan wants you to know that WHOEVER wins in November...you or John McCain...you're BOTH winners to me.