People Magazine has once again released its list of Hottest Celebrity Bachelors - and once again, I'm not on the list.

Back in 2002, 2003, I was more Zen about the whole thing. "Let it go," I reasoned. "It's political. Besides, you've got plenty more years to make the cut."

Well, here it is, 2008, and I'm not getting any younger, People.

I've spent years trying to come up with plausible reasons for People denying me my rightful place among the hot and eligible. So far, I've come up with three:

Possible Reason #1: I'm not hot.

It's true, I do not have the well-oiled, muscular abs of a Mario Lopez. It's also true that reflections off my alabaster skin can be seen from passing planes.

I compensate for this lack of hotness, however, by being really good at card tricks. And I've heard it on good authority that Mario sucks at "Amazing Changing Aces."

Possible Reason #2: I'm not a celebrity - yet.

Girls around the globe scream for High School Musical's Zac Efron. Girls around the public library I frequent vaguely recognize me.

I realize the two are not equivalent.

However, in today's "anyone can be famous" world, I'm a freak accident away from YouTube ubiquity.

Possible Reason #3: I'm not a bachelor.

Yes, it's true I've been married for several years. And yes, I have three lovely children.

But People is demonstrating clear marriage-ist bias by declaring its bachelors must be unwed. Stop the tyranny! We're here! We have mortgages and self-propelled lawn mowers! Represent!

I implore both readers of this blog: Please call People (I don't have the number so you're going to have to Google it) and let them know you want Solomon on next year's list.

And let's get crackin', folks - the 2009 list is only 365 days away.