I like like Barack Obama. That second "like" wasn't a typo. It's a testament to my man-crush on him. If there were no Michelle Obama, there might be a Michael Obama and that's often what I think about while staring at my ceiling, wondering if it's worth going to work today.

But since it's Valentine's Day, and Valentine's Day means desperate attempts at seducing people who've never noticed you, I sent this valentine to the Democratic candidate for president.

You might call it cheesy, right? Well sorry if I can't afford the valentines with cartoon characters on them. My parents aren't rich; I don't live in Miami on a fancy houseboat. This is what I have and I poured my heart and soul into it.

Would he respond? The structure of this joke says he'd have to!

And then I got a little delivery...

(Sorry I had to erase the addresses, guys. I don't want everyone mooching off my relationship with Barack. He's all mine.) What could be inside? A gift? Awwwww! In red wrapping paper, too! This is too much, guys. He's getting the world's nicest H.J. next time I see him! OMG! What did he write on my note?

Yes! How do you like me now, Kucinich? Now for the gift...What could this be...?

Oh, hell yeah! Contra 4! I've been waiting to play this game since, like, 1992. Pew-pow-deh-deh-deh-deh! Rrrraaaaaaaaaaoooooo-boooooosh!

Wait--he wrote something on the back of my letter!

I will, Mr. Obama. I will. Red Falcon doesn't stand a chance against us together.

I love you.