We're only two months in and this has already been a fantastic year for people who hate people who get more attention than them. What's her name lost a kid or two, I think. And that one dude who was alright died but that's okay because he hung out with that girl I heard wasn't cool. And that one lady--oh boy!--did she deserve that comeuppance she got! What a year! What a country!

In an effort to capitalize on this exciting trend, and earn money off the probable tragedy of others, I've written some headlines that you're free to buy once these Celebastrophes (that's also for sale, VH1) happen.

Headline:
Fall of the House of Usher

Uses:
Popular singer Usher gets imprisoned for murder.
Usher's family abandons him when he comes out of the closet.
Usher's house burns down.

Headline:
Jeff Goldfumes!

Uses:
Jeff Goldblum angrily sues a fansite for using his pictures without permission.
Jeff Goldblum punches a Paparazzi.
Jeff Goldblum dies of gas inhalation.

Headline:
Stephen Stealberg

Uses:
Media discovers Stephen Spielberg plagiarized a lost fan fiction for his newest film.
Stephen Spielberg's kids nabbed for shoplifting.
Stephen Spielberg kidnapped, forced to make Schindler's List 2: Back in the Habit for crazed fan.

Headline:
Heather Mills on the Floss

Uses:
Gossip columnists note that Heather Mills teeth are sparkling.
Heather Mills wears an unattractive g-string at the beach.
Heather Mills dies in a flood. Extra paragraph in US Weekly explaining the joke.

Headline:
Justin Timberwolf!

Uses:
Justin Timberlake caught "prowling" a party for hookups.
Justin Timberlake gets lost in Canada, forced to forage carcasses for food, eventually attacking a group of trappers to survive.
Justin Timberlake plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves! Yay!