Oh, man. The St. Paul Police Department's face must be red after they confused RNC protesters with a ravenous zombie hoard to be taken down at any cost.

Why else would they be wearing gas masks and more body armor than the dude from Halo? As I marched with other protesters and I saw officers on balconies and vans pointing automatic weapons at us, I realized there had been a really big mix-up.

It's easy to understand: A large group of people moving at a slow pace repeating phrases they couldn't understand. Clearly zombies.

Viewing the apocalypse in progress, the police officers decided to valiantly protect their caches of guns, booze, and women by attacking the hungry lost souls. We tried to tell them that we were peacefully marching and not the undead.

But they couldn't hear us over the sound of how ready they were to kick our asses.

With every girl pepper-sprayed, they could rest a little easier knowing there was one less zombie to bite their white children, sleeping soundly in their American-made beds with Captain America sheets tucked in by women who knew a thing or two about meatloaf.

With every Amy Goodman arrested (there was only one), they felt one step closer to bringing mankind back to the top of the food chain. No bastards are going to make a meal out of me! Because a man eating a man sounds way too gay to be comfortable.

And with every bamboo rod to the head, the officers knew they had saved America's heartland from the scary people who looked different.

Oh, but the irony of what they were doing! Had they known we were only people, they would have taken off their helmets and removed their body armor and politely asked us to not interrupt traffic - and we would have had a protest which emphasized bringing people together more than property damage and arrest statistics.

We can only hope things are better tomorrow. Although Cold Snap is telling me the officers were told that all of Tuesday's protesters are the Mummy and can only be killed with fire.