By now you've read McCain's prickly interview with TIME Magazine.

But what you don't know is that TIME cleaned up the interview to help John McCain seem human. I know - scandal! Good thing I found the original tapes of the interview. I've transcribed it below:

What do you want voters to know coming out of the Republican Convention -- about you, about your candidacy?
I don't like you! Shut up!

There's a theme that recurs in your books and your speeches, both about putting country first but also about honor. I wonder if you could define honor for us?
No!

I've read your books.
I don't care! I want to go home!

But honor in politics?
Ugh. Your voice is so boring.

[Your] campaign today is more disciplined, more traditional, more aggressive. From your point of view, why the change?
Because I hate you people.

But beyond the press, sir, just in terms of ...
Jesus fucking...What is this? 21 questions? I thought you were just going to take my order for dinner.

Do you miss the old way of doing it?
You mean, with your Mom?

Really? Come on, Senator.
That's what your Mom said!

In 2000, after the primaries, you went back to South Carolina to talk about what you felt was a mistake you had made on the Confederate flag. Is there anything so far about this campaign that you wish you could take back or you might revisit when it's over?
[Does not answer.]

Do I know you? [Says with a laugh.]
[Long pause. Confused.] I... think so.

You do acknowledge there was a change in the campaign, in the way you had run the campaign?
So you do know who I am.

You don't acknowledge that? O.K., when your aides came to you and you decided, having been attacked by Barack Obama, to run some of those ads, was there a debate?
They don't ask me things. I sort of just do what they say and then I get a drink ticket.

Jumping around a bit: in your books, you've talked about what it was like to go through the Keating Five experience, and you've been quoted as saying it was one of the worst experiences of your life. Someone else quoted you as saying it was even worse than being a POW...
But not nearly as bad as Cindy's cooking! Seriously, though, my hatred of her keeps me alive.

I wasn't suggesting it as a negative thing. I was just saying that ...
Ugh! Can you just fill in some funny answers for the rest of this or something? I'm really tired, dude.

How different are you from President Bush? Are you in step with your party? Are you independent from your party?
Yes to all three.

Your tougher line on Russia, which predated [the Russian invasion of Georgia], now to many looks prescient. Others say it's indicative of a belligerent approach to foreign policy that would perhaps further exacerbate the tensions being created with our allies and others around the world under the Bush Administration. How do you respond to that critique?
[Makes fart noises with hands.]

You were a very enthusiastic supporter of the invasion of Iraq and, in the early stages, of the Bush Administration's handling of the war. Are those judgments you'd like to revisit?
You mean... time travel? TIME Magazine...Time Travel...why didn't I put it together before?

A lot of people know about your service from your books, but most people don't know that you have two sons currently in the military. Can you describe what it means to have Jack and Jimmy in uniform?
I don't know who they are.