What's up America? It's me, Tom the Electrician. I've got a joke for you. How many Presidential candidates does it take to screw in an energy efficient light bulb? Oh boy, I love this punchline! Wait for it...Who the fuck knows when both of these guys are giving Joe the Plumber more tv time in a Presidential debate than Comedy Central is giving David Alan Grier's Chocolate News?!?!

I can see the look on your faces and I know you are thinking, "Oh no, Tom the Electrician looks angrier than McCain would look if Tom Brokaw was going to be the next Secretary of the Treasury." Well, it is true America, I'm a bit shocked. It's like these politicians forgot that Joe isn't the only generic, monosyllabic name in the United States of America. I understand their need to play to the lowest common denominator, but for fuck's sake how about crossing the wires a little bit and shaking things up? There are plenty of us out there whose lives you could have attempted to fictionalize like Jack the Construction Worker or Bill the Carpenter. How about pandering to women of the lowest common denominator for a change? You could have mentioned my spark plug of a wife, Jill the Teacher.

To be honest, I really thought my easy to digest life would light up America's hearts in an election-related story. A few weeks ago, some little live wire named Sarah comes trotting through my small town talking about energy, reform, and the Dallas Mavericks. We met briefly, but the sparks were really flying in the local Mom & Pop store where I was purchasing a 24 pack of Molson Ice. She said there was, "nothin' more American than finishin' up the day with a cold Molson after a long day of workin'." Told me she'd be on the television later that week and asked if she could give me a shout-out. Next you thing you know, I'm flipping through the channels and there she is talking about Joe Six-Pack. I guess I should have known she wasn't the brightest bulb when she mentioned Moslon Ice was an American beer, but I couldn't believe she called me Joe on tv. Well, it's Tom and I had a case of beer, not six.

Unfortunately, my circuits got overloaded when things really took a turn for the worst in the last Presidential debate. I thought maybe I'd get a mention in an energy or healthcare question, but nothing happened. Why? I guess because Joe the Plumber clogged up the tear ducts of John McCain and Barack Obama's sensitive souls. McCain even blurted out that Joe the Plumber is rich! Well let me tell you something folks, Joe the Plumber is a wealthy man, but if one of these political parties would have been able to keep our country out of China's pockets, Joe the Plumber would be a nobody and maybe you would have been hearing about Tom the Electrician. You see, Joe the Plumber made all of his money when one of those special needs kids with Down Syndrome, or as McCain calls it Autism, brought some tainted dairy products from China into our small town. All of the kids in the town got sick and well, you know what plumbers do for a living.

Knowing I might have to wait another three or four years before politicians want to talk about guys like me makes me want to knock someone's lights out.

Bitterly,
Tom the Electrician