3:46p -- Ricky is singing along with the commercials, specifically to Madonna's Ray of Light. It is not going well.

4:00p -- Ricky refuses to acknowledge that the theater is full, despite the fact that every seat is taken. Is insisting the movie will tank.

4:04p -- Movie opens with inconsequential back story to lend mythology to the movie. Something about Spain and a princess and a dowry. Totally gay. Ricky doesn't care, he is dancing to the majestic sounds of the ocean rhythms.

4:05p -- That one song they have in Latin America is playing, letting us know to be care free. Ricky is still dancing. He is so alive with the spirit.

4:06p -- Finally, Matthew McConaughey is on screen (and topless.) He's wrestling with a giant hose underwater. Um, we get it! (Wait, it's like a giant penis, right?)

4:07p -- McManBoobs' boat sinks. He doesn't notice, even though it blows up, then crashes into the water right next to him. Awesome.

4:08p -- Peczilla swims down to rescue the only valuable part of the ship--a pic of him and Kate Hudson. Awww. We are rethinking the pre-movie cocktails as this might actually make us barf.

4:09p -- Kate Hudson is sort of McNugget-orange and works on Donald Sutherland's boat. I'm not sure we're telling this story properly, but whatever, do you really care?

4:10p -- Donald Sutherland talks in a mumbly British accent. He is chatting with the two-toned beauty about her plans for the day (she needs off to deal with her man). He asks, "married are you getting?" Because, apparently, he's Yoda. Turns out she's getting divorced from Chesty.

4:13 -- Pectorus is still topless and is in trouble with some black gangsters. We know it's serious cause they're black, but we're not scared cause they're unsurprisingly-goofy.

4:15p -- Oops. Black people are going to kill The Chest.

4:16p -- He escapes into the water and shoots the guy that played Theo Huxtable in the foot and the other guy in the ear. It's funny cause they're black.

4:16p -- (Not actually funny.)

4:19p -- PressMyBench is still topless.

4:20p -- First shushing of Ricky and Alex. Lady next to us does not find us amusing. We think we're hilarious.

4:20p -- JesusMcBoob (who has been treading water shackled to an anchor) is saved by a popular early nineties cliche of people on spring break. It's like they stepped out of Summer School and into our hearts.

4:21p -- Gay people make good sidekicks.

4:21:30p -- Chest Rockwell puts his shirt on.

4:22p: Soundtrack sounds like a mix of Weekend of Bernie's One and Weekend at Bernie's 2.

4:22p -- Divorce lawyer tells Kate Hudson she ruined her life by marrying for sex. Um, really? Oh, romantic comedies, we love your ability to add color to the characters of our lives who would normally never spout this kind of inane bullshit.

4:23p -- Turns out she was right. They got married when Kate was on spring break from college. As a result, she never graduated.

4:25p -- Chestface asks "why?" (the question on all our minds). He's upset they're divorced. He tells her he knows where the boat they've been looking for for years is. Oh, yeah, that's kind of important, they're looking for a sunken treasure ship.

4:28p -- Kate wants to go back to Chicago to finish her degree in history. McFinallyHasHisShirtOn counters with, "history is inside the ocean." Hmmm. We're pretty sure most of history happened on land. And that if it did happen in water it didn't happen off the coast of Florida. Turns out his ridiculous arguments don't matter--she has to go treasure hunting with him cause the boat she was counting on selling to get back north has blown up. (Remember?)

4:34p: Donald Sutherland is wise about hobbies.

4:34p: Bob Marley's Could You Be Loved comes on. We get in now. We're in the ocean and the movie's about love. We were confused before, you know, with the black people and all.

4:36p -- Socialite daughter of Sutherland is dumb but not in a funny way. In a we're-about-to-go-on-strike-so-you-can-deal-with-this-bastardized-version-of-a-more- retarded-Hilton-sister-when-we're-not-here way.

4:38p -- The socialite daughter hates Donald Sutherland, so she leaves on a motor boat to go shopping. What? Anyway, she loses her hat and freaks out. Chesterton Reynolds appears out of no where, jumps in air to save socialite daughter's hat (in slo mo), then her speed boat runs him over. Unfortunately, without killing him.

4:39p -- Everyone is safe. Donald discovers his daughter hates him by reading her text messages.

4:40p -- Did we forget to mention Kate worked for Donald Sutherland? We can't remember. We have had a couple of Coronas (and knocked over the bottles to the dismay of the shushing lady.) Anyway, he does and she's unhappy to see that Matt is having dinner on the boat, with the family she serves, fully clothed! In her shock, Kate throws food on her masters and they find it funny, not obnoxious and fireable.

4:42p -- The treasure back story -- a masterpiece of monotonous exposition.

4:45p -- Actually more boringly indulgent than the sentimentality of Elizabethtown.

4:46p -- This scene might just be about two women wanting to fuck Matthew McConaughey.

4:47p -- Flashback! Kate and GunnerPalace like to have sex in libraries.

4:48p -- We can't remember a time before this scene started. They tell the rich people about the treasure which links back to the thing in the beginning with the myth. Something to do with Spain and rubies the size of your fist, blah, blah, blah.

4:49p -- Actually, this might be the most daring cinematic moment in mainstream film ever. Seven minutes of exposition about intensely boring Spanish history in a romantic comedy? Crazy.

4:50p -- Phew. It's over. After all that time, all we took away from it: There's treasure.

4:51p -- Kate Hudson insults the socialtwit. She goes to cry with the staff who is comforting her. Kate comes and says "see how stupid they are?" Socialite says yes. She says "they can't help it, you can." She's smart because she's rich, and should take advantage of that fact so the plebianic retards don't think they're on her level.

4:51p -- McManBossoms reveals that Big Bunny (the black gangsta rappa form the beginning) is after him. They all freak out because he's killed lots of people.

4:56p -- The Nippler is topless again.

4:57 -- Lady who's been yelling at us puts legs directly in air. Can't figure out if this is form of silent protest or invitation for sex.

4:57p -- Name of Big Bunny's ship is "Booty Call." Get it? Cause black people like asses and have casual sex.

4:58p -- Two kitchen fags explain that SixPackJackis a sex god to gay men as well.

5:03p -- Ukranian sidekick we neglected to mention in the beginning mysteriously shows up without explanation. He makes flippant comment about wanting hookers. We all laugh because we get that Eastern Europeans like hookers. Socialite says, "this isn't France." It's true, France is a total slut.

5:06p -- Big Bunny's men have again captured McPecAlot. Now there is a white bad guy on Big Bunny's crew, cause the black men are incompetent, as black men tend to be.

5:09p -- Big Bunny has the best line of the movie so far: "Ain't no fool like a gold's fool." Deep.

5:10p -- Theo is dead. Whatever. He's only black.

5:11p -- UltimateSexGod (according to movie) has escaped and is totally naked!

5:18p -- McOverlyDevelopedPectoralMusclesofaGreekGod is topless again.

5:22p -- They have sex in a library. We remember the foreshadowing. Well, Ricky doesn't. He's too drunk/angry with the shushing woman next to us.

5:31p -- Matt dies.

5:31p -- ...but not really

5:36p -- Kate dies.

5:36p -- ...but not really

5:37p -- Socialite doesn't care about Kate Hudson dying. Does care about father. Phew. Kate is in the custody of the bad guys but has discovered the treasure. They are trying to kill her.

5:39p -- Blood geyser! White henchman of Big Bunny is dead. Sucker.

5:40p -- Under-water death match between all lead characters...with coral. Will this movie never end?

5:43p -- Bad guy reburies treasure by dropping it in poetic way on to underground fight.

5:44p -- Air battle to balance out sea battle. No earth battles yet.

5:45p -- Climax of the movie--Ricky says "screw it," goes to bathroom, spills beer all over Alex.

5:46p -- Oh man, your fucking chest throws Big Bunny out of plane, gets in plane and flies it. Kate asks him how he knows how to do that. He says "Playstation." Oh, men, you're so bad and unpredictable in a boyish, sexy way.

5:47p -- Kate and TheHouseofPecs get remarried. Gays still gay. Socialite ends up with hooker-loving Ukranian (Spud from Trainspotting). The treasure is in a museum.

Addendum: This movie made $22 million over the weekend. Ricky still thinks it bombed.