4:22p Ricky sees Sex and the City trailer for the third time. He says Alex has to stop making him see these lady movies.

4:23p Alex is confused. If Ricky hates lady stuff so much why is he singing along to India Arie's cover of Don Henley's The Heart of the Matter with such feminine care?

4:24p We've seen trailers for two Pierce Brosnan movies, maybe Ricky's right about the lady stuff.

4:35p Movie starts. Olden times were full of wheat, and small children who ran through wheat.

4:35p Father of the Boleyn family says, "everyone gets ahead by marrying off their daughters." We can tell this is going to be a historically accurate and sympathetic film.

4:37p Ricky says he wants a corset like the ladies have in the movie. Alex thinks he might be the one feminizing these experiences.

4:38p Natalie Portman (Anne) says she is the "other Boleyn girl" because Scarlett Johansson (Mary) is prettier and getting married first. Alex wonders if Natalie Portman has ever looked in a mirror. Ricky is chanting "kiss, kiss."

4:39p Henry's wife delivers stillborn son. Off with her head! No, not really. But, at least get rid of that hideous mole.

4:41p Kristin Scott Thomas is in every period piece ever.

4:42p Uncle Boleyn (brother of KST) comes to the house and says the family (as a collective) has to choose one of the many cousins to be Henry's mistress to give him a son and increase their social position. Anne's father says she is not simple and uncomplicated like Mary, so she should be Henry's mistress. Father of the year award, right here, contest is over.

4:43p Scarlett Johansson gets married. Tells Anne she is scared about tonight (cause of the sex, in case you're slow), Anne says she failed her as a sister cause she can't give her advice.

4:44p Ricky shushes Alex (for first time ever in their 8-month friendship) during Scarlett Johansson losing-her-virginity scene.

4:45p Scarlett's husband says "lie down." That's it. Wow, sex was awesome back then.

4:46p Scarlett tells Anne about first time with hubby as geese follow behind them in perfect lines. Olde Timee Facte #2: Geese used to follow people around in perfect lines.

4:47p Father and Uncle tell Anne she is to become royal mistress. They ask: "Will you accept the challenge." We are waiting for the American Gladiators theme song to come on in the background.

4:50p Eric Bana (Henry VIII) enters on horseback. He sees Anne and goes to her, saying, "A daughter? No one said anything of a daughter, had we known we would've come sooner." How can she resist this sparkling wit?

4:51p They are going on a hunt. The uncle says Anne must excel at it or Henry won't want her. Alex is wondering if that's why she's single: no firearms experience.

4:52p Anne Boleyn=shockingly slutty.

4:54p Eric Bana gets hurt on the hunt. That's Anne's fault, because women are evil are responsible for all that is wrong in the world. They say it's her fault because she followed a stag into a dangerous ravine and (pussy) King Henry couldn't keep up.

4:55p Best use of title so far:

King Henry VIII: And who are you?
Mary Boleyn: Mary, your grace.
King Henry VIII: The other Boleyn girl?
Mary Boleyn: Yes.

Eric Bana now wants to fuck Scarlett Johansson.

4:58p King invites Scarlett Johansson and her husband to court, meaning they will be separated so the king can fuck her. The family is making them all go. Anne screwed up, so Scarlett Johansson will pay with her vagina.

4:59p Anne doesn't see it that way, blames Scarlett Johansson for taking him. Accuses her of "persuading him." Ricky makes blow job motion. Alex vomits a little in her mouth.

5p Scarlett is made a lady in waiting. Queen (who has big scary mole) is pissed, knows why the king wants her there. Queen makes Scarlett Johansson sing. She looks like it's the end of the world...turns out it is. We look forward to her upcoming album.

5:04p A royal dance. Anne is flirting with a noble man who is betrothed to another woman. He looks just like our old office manager.

5:05p Henry comes up to Mary and says "tonight." Anne is angry, says "try to please him...if you can." Um, Anne's a virgin, at least Mary had awkward first-night sex with her husband.

5:07p Henry is a douche, likes Scarlett Johansson because he was in the shadows of his older brother the way she is with Anne. You're King, get over it! Ricky thought the king would have better moves than this. Turns out he doesn't. Ricky begins to mentally re-examine his game. Need more power.

5:09p Scarlett looks like a fetus or maybe an albino rat in this movie.

5:10p Uncle, father, and husband summon Scarlett Johansson ask if Henry did her. She says yes, they says how many times (Ricky yells thrice), they ask if he was satisfied, she says she thinks so, they demand to know if he said he was satisfied! She says he did not have to. Oooooh. Olde Timee Lesson #3: Women used to be bigger sluts (Alex). And they liked it (Ricky).

5:13p Kristin Scott Thomas is pissed, says they've treated her daughter as chattel. She's dismissed. Anne marries guy who looks like our old office manager.

5:15p That was not ok. He was betrothed to another and can't renege on that. Anne is sent away to Paris, but only after she has "improper intimacies" with her short-lived husband.

5:16p The sisters fight. Ricky chants "kiss, kiss!" again.

5:17p Scarlett Johansson is preggo (thanks Diablo), Henry is thrilled. He has been waiting for a male heir for years.

5:19p The whole Boleyn family is upgraded, brother has to marry Jane Parker (a slut he hates). Audience laughs. They hate sluts. Ricky doesn't. If you are a slut, and would like to contact Ricky check out his MySpace page.

5:21p Boleyns are living in Duke of Buckingham's old house. FORESHADOWING (he was beheaded for treason.)

5:22p Scarlett Johansson is being kept on bed rest until she delivers. They put bars on her windows and darken the room so much only one person would be fit to give birth in it. This is not a visually subtle movie.

5:24p The family summons Anne for her to fuck Henry while her sister is on bed rest.

5:25p Anne impresses Henry at a royal lunch by talking shit about the French king. Scarlett Johansson is angry that Anne is back to steal Henry.

5:27p Brother hasn't consummated marriage to slut wife, Jane Parker, she is very upset.

5:36p Scarlett Johansson is a horrible actress, also is giving birth.

5:37p Henry hits on Anne WHILE Scarlett Johansson gives birth. Says he'll never speak to his wife or Scarlett Johansson again if she "gives herself to him." It's a boy, oh no, who will he choose?

5:42p He chooses Anne. Scarlett Johansson is sent back to country.

5:45p According to movie it was Anne Boleyn's idea for Henry to break up with his wife. She's responsible for his split with Catholicism, and therefore the trajectory of the rest of Western history.

5:47p King tells Scarlett Johansson he needs to know if Anne is a virgin. He trusts her because he thinks she would put a matter of this importance over family ambition. She lies for Anne.

5:48p Anne thanks her, says she must stay because the queen's going on trial and she needs her sister.

5:49p Queen says, "So here are the Boleyn whores, I shall not give up my daughter's right to the throne. I am Catherine, Queen of England." Can't stop staring at her mole.

5:55p Church rules Henry's marriage to Catherine invalid. Eric Bana rapes Anne. Why didn't he just do this in the first place instead of going through the trouble of divorce? Says, "You will show me it is worth it." We're not sure someone can be good in bed when you're raping them. To add insult to injury, Scarlett Johansson says Henry was tender with her.

5:56p Anne is queen. Suck it, mole lady. (Side note, in real life Anne had a goiter growing out of her neck and eleven fingers, so we really shouldn't judge.)

6p Anne gives birth to a girl (Elizabeth). Eric Bana is pissed.

6:02p Anne is going crazy. Henry is running around with Jane Seymour. She says he hates her for what he did to Catherine.

6:03p Ricky has stopped paying attention. Is pretending Scarlett and Natalie are making out.

6:05p Anne miscarries on second attempt to give birth to a boy.

6:07p She convinces her brother to sleep with her to replace the baby she lost. Brother's slut wife, Jane Parker, sees them about to do it and runs off to tell the King. Brother can't perform. Phew.

6:14p Anne and brother found guilty of treason.

6:15p Brother beheaded.

6:17p Scarlett Johansson goes to the King, pleads for Anne's life. He says ok.

6:20p Anne is lead to judgment. Scarlett Johansson receives letter from Henry saying she shouldn't have come to him. If she does it again, she will die.

6:22p Anne has her head cut off, we don't even get to see it. What a bad movie.

We would like to say that after liveblogging five movies, this is the worst. They made Scarlett Johansson ugly (hard to do) and we think the cinematographer might have been a partially retarded chimp. Way to make history suck, guys.

Here are the movies we've seen from best to worst:

1) Step Up 2 the Streets
2) Rambo (almost a tie for first)
3) Fool's Gold
4) Vantage Point
5) The Other Boleyn Girl

We can't believe Step Up 2 the Streets is the best one either.