8:06p We might be in the wrong theater, they're playing football. Oh wait, no a fight!

8:08p Never Back Down (aka "Jake") starts a brawl on the football field because an opposing player calls his dead dad an alcoholic. Good one.

8:10p His family is moving to Orlando (because possibly-autistic brother is a tennis star) or as his bestie says "Disney World." They have heart-warming exchange:

"Who's gonna keep you out of trouble?"
"Who's gonna get you into it?"

8:13p While packing NBD finds a box of his father's stuff, has CSI-style flashback of fishing. Writes, "Useless Junk" on the box. He's so tortured.

8:15p It's NBD's first day at school and he meets the girl of his dreams, a hot blond with doe eyes and perky breasts, unfortunately her name is "Baja," so no one in their right mind would date her.


8:16p Ricky's giving pornographic directions to Baja. Alex makes a peninsula joke.

8:17p Gay guy says something flirty to NBD, whole theater shudders at thought of being gay. Not awesome, New York, not awesome.

8:18p NBD happens across a wimpy looking guy getting beaten up. He steps in to stop it and the wimpy kid smacks him, it's a "sanctioned brawl." Ok, Fight Club Jr, calm the hell down.

8:19p Movie explains internet to us, you see, everyone in the school has seen the video of NBD brawling at his football game because someone posted it to youtube and (as we know) that means instant celebrity. All the girls want to fuck him, apparently sluts like violence.

8:19 Each character wears a shirt explaining their hobbies. NBD wears a "football is everything" tee and dorky, internet savvy friend sports "@" symbol.

8:21p Baja invites our lead to a party. Gay guy says she's poor. What?

8:22p NBD is psyched. He goes home to change from one blue t-shirt into another one. Prints out directions from MapQuest. Step two in our "meet the internet" lesson.

8:23p Party is full of lesbians in hot tubs. High school has changed a lot since we went...six years ago. One thing that hasn't changed: "Teen" actors are all 40.

8:25p Rich boy who is hosting the party wants to fight NBD, but he refuses. Asks why he's there then. (Wait we thought it was a party, isn't he there to party?) NDB looks toward Baja (aww, he loves her or at least her extremely hard nipples) bad guy goes up and fuck kisses her. Oops.


8:26p Bad guy is still trying to bait NBD into a fight, this time through flattery, "You can bang dude. I saw you." (We think bang means fight.) "You know what they say about the internet." That it's "an international computer network providing e-mail and information"?

8:27p NBD still walking away until: "why didn't you drive when your drunk dad wrapped his car around a tree?" Wow, no one would ever say that. NBD takes the bait.

8:30p NBD gets the shit kicked out of him in incredibly homoerotic fight. Bad guy keeps making angry yet constipated face (see left). Says, "This is how it has to end, it has to end with you looking like a bitch." Our fellow theater patrons cheer when NBD gets knocked out. Hmmm, do they get he's our hero or that getting kicked in the neck can lead to paralysis?

8:33p Party crowd takes camera-phone pics of him. Internet lesson three: don't get embarrassed in front of cell phones.

8:37p Nerdy kid brings NBD to Djimon Hounsou's martial arts school. He begs his way into the advanced class which looks less challenging than personal training at Alex's gym. We very quickly move into yet another montage.

8:44p Djimon tells NBD he's not allowed to fight outside of his class. Inane rule that's in every teen movie: no doing whatever the movie is about.

8:47p How many montages are in this movie? This is like the fifth one.

8:48p Shot of Baja looking sad with asshole boyfriend lasts forever. We get it, she's sad!

8:54p Baja breaks up with that dude. NBD tries to stop him from hitting her, bad guy says "you're weak like your dad." What kind of people make fun of a kid for having a dead dad?

8:55p NBD fights Djimon. They get heated; our lead gets frustrated and says "at least I have a home." What?

8:56p NBD beats up four Mexicans. Internet lesson number four: Don't fight in front of your best friend, he might film it and put it on the Web instead of helping you.

8:57 Another montage, this time of people watching a video on a variety of different media. Oh, Never Back Down, you're so tech savvy!

8:58p Bad guy attacks NBD in bathroom (time for ass sex?) He says, "Not here, not now, I've won the tournament three times." There's always a tournament!

9:01p NBD goes to gym, Djimon climbs off the guy he was homoerotically beating up to tell NBD he can't train there any more.

9:06p NBD cries in supermarket. Tells Djimon about his dad, that he couldn't stop him from driving. Says doesn't want to be angry anymore. (Um, fight club might not be the best way to get over that.) He promises not to fight in the tournament.

9:08p More montage: We learn that NBD sucks at cinder block throwing, but can do push ups with his brother on his back. Ricky is shouting pornographic instructions to NBD.

9:14p Djimon and NBD are either having sex or fighting, we think both. NBD says "sometimes you can't rollover, you just get stuck." Alex does a seal laugh, gets dirty looks.

9:21 Evil high school villain has mean, Eurotrash dad that only wants to drink margaritas with teenagers and threaten his son.

9:25p Wimpy friend gets into a car with the bad guy. It's stupid enough for us to applaud the beating he's about to get.

9:27p Wimpy friend is in the hospital. NBD goes to tournament to beat shit out of bad guy. Djimon says if he goes, he can never come back. NBD says that the night his dad died, he didn't try to stop him. WAIT, ISN'T THIS THE FOURTH REVEAL OF THIS STORY? EVERY TIME IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT BUT EQUALLY BORING. Djimon also has father issues, it's why he lives in his gym instead of a home.

9:30p Movie turns up heat. Kanye's Stronger starts to play as NBD speeds a corvette (where did that come from?) down the wet streets next to motorcycles popping wheelies. He arrives at the tournament, which is in a posh nightclub that high school students would never be allowed into.

9:38p NBD is kicking ass in the tournament but gets hurt (x-ray shot)! Baja comes back to him after fight, she can't back down from this relationship.



9:43p Bad guy is disqualified, so NBD taps out. But someone is waiting for him in the parking lot.

9:44p NBD gets taken from behind. Both their shirts come off inexplicably in the first 30 seconds.



9:47p X-ray number two, NBD is hurt on the inside and out.

9:48p X-ray number three. There's a montage of people in love.

9:49p Love montage gave him strength. He kicks bad guy in the face.

9:50p Internet lesson number five: You can get the internet in a hospital.

The End. To put yourself in the movie, go here. We did: