In a recent private fundraiser, President Bush revealed to a media-free (but not cell phone free) crowd that he had knowledge of Wall Street imbibing alcoholic beverages. As he stated in this now banned cell phone video:

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk. That's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is, how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments?"

An anonymous source revealed that several months previous, the president's secret service agents made multiple trips to Safeway for discount alcohol (code name: Operation Nostalgia). When asked about the trips, the president responded that he had recently been informed that housing market seemed a bit boring and "went with his political intuitions.

Bush went on to state that he had tried many fancy financial instruments, and none of them effectively cured a hangover. The Federal Reserve responded that Bush need only mix orange juice, coffee, and aspirin instead of throw out all the tools. White House Spokesman Dan Perino kindly asked the Feds to go "cut their interest rates."