This Christmas, America learned that while it takes only one cell phone to ruin a movie, it takes only one .380-caliber handgun to fix a movie. This very special cinema lesson came from James Joseph Cialella Jr. of Southern Philadelphia, who is accused of temporarily enhancing the viewing pleasure of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button by shooting a father whose son was unfamiliar with the volume policies. Many reports fail to note that several more reasonable courses of action were taken before shooting the father, such as throwing popcorn at the offending child.

Some have chosen to demonize Mr. Cialella, querying as to why he brought a handgun into the theater and if he purposely chose to butter his popcorn in order to better wreck the hairstyle of vocal offenders. But these critics ignore the most likely motive for these acts of violence: somebody was talking during a good Brad Pitt movie. Because Mr. Cialella chose to see Benjamin Button as opposed to Valkyrie or Marley and Me, we know his original intention for going to the movies was not to find someone worth killing. Furthermore, after showering the offender with popcorn and dis-arming, in a most literal sense, the father, Mr. Cialella did not run down to the local bar to brag. Mr. Cialella did not take what little time he had left to visit his loved ones or celebrate Christmas. He didn't even pick up the popcorn which had missed the little boy. No, James Joseph Cialella Jr. sat back down and watched the damn movie.

Granted, to some it may seem slightly counterproductive to decrease distractions in a cinema by shooting a nearby movie-goer in the arm at point-blank range. This ignores the common psychological phenomena of being much more annoyed by simple, quiet comments interpreted by consumers with the mental capacity of drunk chipmunks. This applies especially when the consumer in question is very likely to be within the age span of said chipmunks. I personally would prefer to watch Fight Club in the middle of a crowded blazing inferno than next to the type of person who finds it necessary to ask a friend or family member to be filled in on what was just viewed.

Needless to say, "the man" who was too busy to stop some little snot from talking during a Brad Pitt movie came just in time to arrest Mr. Cialella. Unfortunately, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button lasts over 2 hours and 30 minutes. This means that, even assuming Mr. Cialella had the patience of a god and there was a thirty minute line for every donut shop in a dozen mile radius, the police still interrupted John Cialella Jr. before he could reach the climax of the movie. On the plus side, this has considerably narrowed next years Christmas shopping for Mr. Cialella Sr.