Congratulations! You're the governor of a state in which a U.S. Senator has died in office or been elected President. You know what that means! That's right, it's payday, baby! Your long slog in the trenches of state politics are about to pay off, thank God, as you can trade your power to appoint a successor for the fattest check you can cash. That Senate seat is not a public office held in trust for the people of your state, it's a gold mine!

But be careful. Selling a U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder is not as easy as you might think. What should be a simple transaction is actually a minefield, a jungle laced with pitfalls. As with any felony, there are a thousand things that can go wrong, and if you think of a hundred you're a genius. And take it from me, you're no genius. How do we know this? You're about to try to sell your U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder, that's how.

But never fear. Because it's the holiday season, and a good time to help out America's governors in need, I have developed "The Pocket Guide to Selling Your Senate Seat or Other Political Office to the Highest Bidder." Just follow these easy steps, and you'll be rolling in the frogskins, instead of weeping alone in your cell at Rock Island, begging God to get your "mentor" in the quarry crew a new "best friend," which is what you'll be doing if you don't follow my advice.

1. Don't Brag to Friends About How Rich You're Going to Get Selling Your U.S. Senate Seat.

It constantly amazes me how many governors run afoul of this simple rule. So think about it this way: You're about to commit a federal criminal offense, a felony. You don't want to get caught. So picking up a megaphone and shouting through it about the boatload of money you're about to extort is not the wisest course. Try to be more subtle. For once in your life, keep a few things to yourself.

Also know that, although it is difficult for a federal prosecutor to tap your phone (unless you are a terrorist (see Chapter 2, "Why It's Never a Good Idea to be a Terrorist"), criminal conspiracies by governors to solicit bribes for appointments to high office turn out to be exactly the kind of thing that make criminal prosecutors go to the trouble of getting a wiretap.

So just assume your phone is bugged and, therefore, don't go around saying things into it like, "I've got this thing, an it's effing golden!" or, "I'm just not giving it up for nothing!" That sort of thing will only get you into trouble.

Related advice: As tempting as it may be, don't try to sell your U.S. Senate seat on Ebay or through Craigslist. That never works.

2. Don't Complain to Associates When the President-Elect Won't Play Ball.

When you reach out to the staff of the President-Elect and former holder of the seat up for auction, to ask that they suggest someone in the market for a $1 million Senate seat, and they hang up on you after asking if you've lost your mind, don't turn around and complain about their conduct to your friends. Also, keeping in mind Rule # 1, be especially careful not to issue any such complaints into your phone.

Here's the thinking behind this rule: You're launching a criminal enterprise, the kind of thing that, if it comes to light, will destroy the career of anyone who had anything to do with it. So, you want to draw other people into it. Doing so will give you power over them. Even if you can't draw them in, at least make other people think they are involved. That's another way of exerting influence.

It's amazing how many governors don't understand the simple mechanics of a criminal enterprise. They do crazy things, like slam the phone down when they are rebuffed, and complain to associates that certain people "won't give them anything but appreciation." Don't make this mistake! You have to keep up a front of pretending all the while that more and more people are being drawn in. It's the only way you're going to pull this off.

Also, try to think outside the box. What is "appreciation" anyway? Huh? See where I'm going with this? How about telling your friends, "Obama's people are in. They said they would give me 'appreciation.'" Raise your eyebrows. Wink. Now you're talking!

See, you can do this! You just have to learn to be much smarter, much more subtle, and much more sophisticated than you'll ever be in this lifetime.

Oh, I see we're out of time. But in our next installment we'll cover other basics of the game, including "How to Suggest A Quid Pro Quo Without Violating a Federal Criminal Statute," "How to Check Yourself Into Rehab As Soon as the Scandal Breaks, to Minimize the Fallout," and, most importantly, "How to Marry Well, So You Never Have to Resort to This Sort of Thing."