My fellow Americans. At this proud moment, on this auspicious occasion dawning of a new era quadrennial federal holiday, in this biting cold freezing rain impenetrable fog, we gather together huddle in pain are already bored.

America is a shining city a grand experiment basically broke on a hill in democracy I give us six months. We have always risen to the challenge overcome adversity been really lucky, when you think about it. Our strength lies not in our military in our tremendous financial wealth (kidding!) in Bret Favre, anymore, sadly, but in our people our ideals OK, it does lie in our military. We are a strong nation a great people just waiting for the Hannah Montana special following this broadcast that does not fear change does not understand change has no infrastructure left anymore.

But my friends fellow countrymen God, we have work to do. America needs our help our greatest sacrifice a massive do-over. We also need a new Commerce secretary a short-term loan from China a new season of "The Wire". I need just one more crisis and then I'll really feel challenged in this job another vacation already a cigarette. We have real undeniable insurmountable problems. America, I say to you today, we are challenged called to action royally f***ed.

And so I repeat the words of that great American, John Kennedy Abraham Lincoln Porky Pig, who said "Ask not what your country can do for you" "A nation divided cannot stand" "Tha...tha...that's all folks!".

Thank you and may God bless reward please do something tangible for America.