• Replace current U.S. Treasury spokesperson with granite-voiced actor Dennis Haysbert.
• Make it illegal for any American not to purchase the widescreen edition DVD of I Am Legend.
• Poison national water supply and sell antidote for $4.99 at Rite Aid.
• Invest $20 of every American's income in Homeopaws, the new homeopathic pet store off Route 9.
• Convince Germany to readopt Nazism so we can fight WWII again.
• Institute one-week-only "buy two mortgages, get one free" policy.
• Have someone write and record a really catchy song, then play the song on the radio a lot.
• All mittens half off. For the rest of the year.
• No more of this "take a penny, leave a penny" horse shit.
• Just stick to what we do best: stuffed-crust pizza, baby-tees, and porn.