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John McCain Campaign Ads I'd Like To See |
AD #1:
John McCain is sitting in a rocking chair next to a crackling fire.
JOHN MCCAIN: You know, some people say, "That John McCain, he's got a real short temper." Well, maybe you would have a short temper, too, if you were a 71-year-old veteran with recurrent skin cancer and a face like a fucking mummy. Good night.
He leans back in chair and closes his eyes.
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
AD #2:
John McCain walks toward camera wearing a full naval captain's uniform.
JOHN MCCAIN: Hmm? What's that? Oh, you're wondering what I'm wearing? Oh, this is just an old military uniform of mine. Yeah, that's right. Unlike the other candidates, I actually grew a dick and enlisted in the armed forces. Fat lot of good it did me, too.
He walks off.
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
AD #3:
John McCain is lying in bed. He looks up sleepily at the camera.
JOHN MCCAIN: Gee, it sure is getting harder and harder to get out of bed these days. Seems my body just ain't what it used to be. I wonder why that is. Hey, wait a second, I know: Maybe it's because I SPENT FIVE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN A GOD DAMN GOOK PRISON.
Pulls covers over himself and turns on his side.
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
AD #4:
John McCain is sitting at his kitchen table in his underwear, eating a giant plate of blood sausage. He turns to face the camera.
JOHN MCCAIN: Just because I was born before Technicolor doesn't mean I'm some kind of old coot with molasses in his shorts and a head full of riddles. Hell, I'm as sharp as a goddamned tack. So if any one of you MTV-generation cocksuckers wants to tango with a real man, come on down to my office and I'll hit you so hard you'll piss blood for a week.
Continues eating.
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
AD #5:
John McCain is sitting in an easy chair, holding his hand over a giant burning candle flame.
Cindy McCain enters the room and screams in horror.
CINDY MCCAIN: John, no! Your hand! IT'S BURNING!
She tries to pull his hand away from the flame. He resists.
JOHN MCCAIN: Get offa me, damn it! I said GET OFF!
He throws Cindy to the ground. She lies in a heap, weeping. He continues to hold his hand over the flame.
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
AD #6:
John McCain is throttling a cat by the side of a babbling brook. He notices camera.
JOHN MCCAIN: What? What are you looking at? I have every right to kill this cat!
Throws dead cat into water.
JOHN MCCAIN: Listen, you tell anyone about this and I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep. Understand?
Cameraman drops camera and runs off.
JOHN MCCAIN: Hey, where you going? Get back here!
VOICEOVER: My name is John McCain, and I approve this message.
Filed under: Election 2008, John McCain, John McCain crazy, blood sausage, Viet Cong, prisoner of war
posted 1:29 pm on 01/25/2008
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JOHN MCCAIN: Who would you rather have, Walker, Texas Ranger or Rambo?
VOICE OVER: Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win! But somebody wouldn't let us win! And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport, protesting me, spitting. Calling me baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about!