• "Mayor Giuliani, which of your policies do you think appeals more to Florida Republicans: dressing in drag, or killing unborn babies?"

• "Welcome back to the debate. I'm Anderson Cooper. As I ask this next question about gays in the military, just try to pretend for a moment that I'm not a well-known closeted homosexual."

• "Governor Romney, it's a simple question: Would you or would you not support the water-boarding of illegal gay immigrants?"

• "The next question is for Governor Huckabee. Governor, exactly how fucked would you say the G.O.P. is when you come off as their most electable candidate?"

• "The next question is for.....uh.....hold on......sorry, I needed a moment there to hate all of you."

• "Congressman Tancredo, if a single, black mother were to have an abortion and then murder a detainee with an assault rifle, would Jesus favor the death penalty?"

• "The next question is for Senator Clinton...oh wait, that's right, they stuck me with the shitty debate."

• "Hey, Fred Thompson, you haven't said anything totally insane for a few minutes. Care to give it a go?"

• "The next question is for all the candidates: How many guns do you own, what kind of guns, and.... You know what? How about everyone just whip out their dicks instead."

• "I was going to personally ask the candidates a question about the War in Afghanistan, but instead, let's take another web video question from a half-wit, inbred mountain person."

• "Oh, hey, Congressman Duncan Hunter. What are you doing here?"

• "Senator McCain, remember when you were a legitimate presidential prospect, and not just a cranky old nut with a cheek full of Werther's Originals?"

• "Okay, here's the deal: We can go on all night pretending that someone in this room actually has a shot at being president of the United States. But since the chance of that happening is about as likely as the chance of bringing the rotting, inanimate corpse of Ronald Wilson Reagan back to life, let's all just call it a day, kick back, and use this giant YouTube screen for watching cat bloopers. Deal?"