Dubya gave his final presidential press conference today and once again spoke in highly classified code, one that only members of his cabinet and Elizabeth Hasselback could decipher. The following is our attempt to translate it for the weary masses before Liz likens his final words to the Gettysburg Address,...

"We vow not to disarm until every child of Palestine gets a Wii for Ramadan!! And gently used iPhones are NOT an acceptable substitute, so don't even try it!!"

Remember back in November when lots of Black people were on TV saying that they would continue to tell their children that they could grow up to be anything they wanted to be, except now they'd really mean it?

Well Time.com says there's still one...

From USWeekly.com:

Pussycat Dolls singer Nicole Scherzinger says she can't wait to tour with Britney Spears next year. 'The Pussycat Dolls can babysit Britney Spears' kids!' she told Ryan Seacrest.

Oy.

Hey America, why so glum? Where has that post election glow gone? Has the dismal state of our nation finally sunk in? Well, chin up! The next few weeks will be a cavalcade of parties. First well celebrate bonus free Christmases, followed by a Recession Era New Years. Finally, well...

This guy sure knows how to pick an economic adviser. As we sink deeper and deeper into a financial cesspool, he's appointed Lawrence Summers, former Harvard President and sacrificial lamb of Feminism to head the National Economic Counsel. Nothing Obama can ever mutter will outshine the zingers that are...

Barack Obama utilized his best "are you sitting down?" tone today and announced that he has chosen a few qualified geniuses to try and solve the current crisis (no, not the one in the Middle East, that other one, with the banks and Wall Street and stuff ).

Functioning as...

Al Qaeda #2 Ayman al-Zawahri appeared on Al Jazeera TV and rained (nearly Katrina'd) all over Americas post election glow. Basically, dude bitched about Obamas intended policies and reminded us that Al Qaeda still seriously P.O.'d. Right. As if we could forget. Grumpy Mc-Zawahri ranted so long about...

Pay no attention to democracy haters who say your votes don't really matter. Your vote does count! In this day and age you just have to be proactive about making your voice heard loud and clear.

1. Bring a bunch of immigrants with you. While security is occupied with escorting...

(Guy on left) "$150,000 worth of clothes, my ass, she ain't so hot in person."

(Guy on right) "What's hotter than a MILF? A MILF times two? No, I've got it. New category: she's a G.O.P.-ILF!!"