Aries (March 21-April 19)
Finding a mitten in a snow bank strangely leads to your sex-change operation and eventual bankruptcy. Your chili recipe incorporating yak meat is a big hit at a meeting for periodontists. The guy at the reception, who handed you a business card with "Obama Transition...

Here is the story of the St. Patrick's Day that changed my life. It involved the drinking of alcohol and how my surrender to peer pressure and stress nearly destroyed my reputation forever.

The calamity happened a few years ago, while I was working for the Cleveland Free Times, the...

Say, fellows, it's nearing Valentine's Day time again. You've been pretty lame about dealing with V.D. the past several years, haven't you? Just admit it.

You've given her gifts like a $10 shopping spree at CVS. You've bought her a fill-up at Sunoco, or a big jug of windshield wiper...

Making New Year's resolutions is a complete waste of my precious, rapidly diminishing brainpower. They didn't work for me in the '70s, nor in the '80s, the '90s and so far in the aughts. Resolutions can just get bent (which they will, anyway). So this year I'm making reasolutions. This...

People gripe about winter all the time and I have to stand there and listen to their petty horse--pardon my French--shit. These dodos in their L.L. Bauer down vests and their North Facial jackets packed all to hell with Winsulate or what-have-you don't know how lucky they have it. I'd...

In honor of Law & Order's upcoming season 18 premiere, here are some frequently asked questions regarding the crime and punishment behemoth:

Why can't I stop watching every freaking Law & Order episode that's on 24/7 on network and cable?
Because the formula is so comforting. Couple...

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: A guest spot as a psychopathic podiatrist on an episode of House lands you your own hit TV series. A Rolodex dispute results in a fatality at your workplace. You will be surprised to discover that you are the heir to the Reynolds Wrap fortune. No birthday...