After eight years of the world being led over a cliff by a barely literate, intellectually blind, quasi- retarded, morally bankrupt, tone deaf Pied Piper, our long national nightmare might soon be over. Not since Nixon has this fog of despair hung over the nation. And not since his goodbye...

According to news reports, Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance and escorted to UCLA Medical Center to be placed on a mental evaluation hold. This is unfortunate as psychiatry is not the answer to her problems. Psychiatry kills. What she needs is a visit to the Celebrity...

Ten things that are wrong with that statement: 1) "CHUCK NORRIS..." This is a national election. The fate of the nation and the world hang on the outcome. Chuck Norris is, only in the loosest possible sense of the word, an "actor," and now appears in infomercials wearing some fruit...

The judges sit at their table. Paula squirms, playfully. Bored, Simon coquettishly chews on his pencil. Randy's just ready for business. The door opens and the next contestant enters. It's Hitler, wearing the traditional military outfit, stormtrooper boots, and Nazi hat. Simon secretly rolls his eyes for Randy...

The LA Times ran a piece today about the impending return of ratings Godzilla American Idol, a show that is a network executive's wet dream, in that it capitalizes on an hour of television in a way no conventional comedy or drama ever could, while stomping to death everything...

In the early '80s, I worked in a small New York ad agency. The company didn't have many big clients, but we were real agency-adjacent in that McCann Erickson, the agency for Coca Cola, was in the next building. This was at the time that Pepsi was running...

Whether it's politics, sports or show business, the media basically knows three stories: They're great! They're done! They're back! And during an election cycle we're fed all three. Over and over. Until we gag. First it's the initial hype. Discovering a star, and heralding...

Every year before New Year's, Pat Robertson caucuses privately with God and returns to give His message to the staffs of Christian Broadcasting Network and Regent University. This year, according to Pat, God said He's going to turn 250 million Chinese into Christians. Well, actually, I also just...

THE MINIMUM BASIC INTELLIGENCE ACT Beginning in 2008, there will be new minimum basic intelligence requirements for being referred to as a celebrity. Being a semi- or no-talent brain-dead publicity ho with a Platinum card (or his or her significant other) will no longer be permitted. The new...

Though I never read The DaVinci Code, my understanding is that it was about some double secret Vatican cult dispensing an albino hit man to terminate with extreme prejudice anyone who might have proof that Jesus was married, had a kid, and descendants living in France. Or something like that...