From: John Edwards and family

Dear friends and family,

Greetings from Elizabeth, Cate, Emma-Claire, Jack and that weird-looking bastard kid I fathered. First off, let me explain what kind of weird that kid is. Man, she looks like she has a giant toe for a nose. That's the best way...

I.

Bill Ayers to Obama, 6:51pm: I bet u think I voted 4 u.

Obama to Ayers, 6:56pm: Now is not the time, Bill.

Ayers to Obama, 7:01pm: Well, I didn't. I wrote in Harajuku Girls, because, fuck it. We are all satan's hell-children.

Obama to Ayers, 7:03pm: Great,...

9:01pm: Here goes McCain with his political-figure-inside-a-hospital opening again.

9:04pm: McCain: Hey, we're just gonna buy all your homes, k?

9:07pm: The challenge tonight will be: How many times can he fit "Middle Class" into a sentence and make it make sense?

9:10pm: Coming out this fall on...

Anchor: We now return to Joe the Plumber, already in progress.

[Joe, his wife Lisa and his two children, Timmy and Plunge, are all sitting around the television, smiling and attentively watching the debate.]

McCain: Joe the Plumber--

Lisa: Honey! They mentioned you.

Joe:...

McCain: Nice to be with Senator Obama at a town hall meeting...[incredibly creepy laugh]

Hype Man: OH SHIT, SON! He just brought it back. He was all "Obama ain't got no nuts. You seen my nuts? These nuts is wild big. You could make a buncha brownies with deez...

I.

Todd Palin to Sarah Palin 9:17pm: Stop winking at me. Trying to play PSP.

Sarah to Todd 9:21pm: But I love u. And u love me?

Todd to Sarah 9:23pm: I LOVE NOTHING.

II.

Obama to Biden 9:34pm: Atta boy.

Biden to Obama 9:37pm: Get out...

HOST: Hello everyone and welcome to...

AUDIENCE: STUMP...THE...CANDIDATE!

HOST: That's right! Just last night, Sarah Palin asked for it and now we're going to play...

AUDIENCE: STUMP...THE...CANDIDATE!

HOST: Alright. I think we're ready to meet our contestant....

[Dramatic music fills the amphitheater. The lights go down and...

Greetings, Internet!

Now, as many of you know, I like to take some R&R every August in the Midwest with my cousin Glen. Ah, the Midwest. Fried foods, great accents and suspenders EVERYWHERE! This year was going to be hard to top after last year's Quad City Bender Glen and...

I.
May 14th, 2007
John Edwards to Rielle Hunter 4:54pm: Hi, this is John Edwards. Do u want 2 make a documentary about me?
Hunter to Edwards 5:02pm: I...don't know how?
Edwards to Hunter 5:06pm: Hmm. Maybe we could just have sex then? U know how...