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Barack Obama rolled out his new ad yesterday targeting the working class in 18 states--many of which went to Bush in 2004... SCRIPT - "Dignity" Obama: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message. Announcer: He worked his way through college and Harvard Law. Turned down big money offers...

All those Indian burial grounds Children's Hospitals Joan Rivers' bones Big Momma's House Big Momma's House 2 Norbit "All those Mormon Churches" Mt. Zion Wherever they shot There Will Be Blood Any part of Arkansas, fuck it The eyes of Presidents on Mount Rushmore, except Jefferson Underneath...

Senator Barack Obama: [on his upcoming weekend off at home in Chicago] "These kids are planning to make pizza, so who knows what our kitchen will look like," he said. "They shouldn't call these sleepovers. They should call them wake-overs." Hype Man: OH SHIT OBAMA! I just choked...

I. Obama to Hillary 6:35pm: Welcome to the Jungle. Of pain. Just give it up already. Hilary to Obama 6:51pm: I've got Indiana. Obama to Hillary 7:01pm: HAHA INDIANA YOU SKANK Hillary to Obama 7:05pm: If I drop out, can I be your VP? Obama...

Legendary Musician Tito Puente Walters made him stretch goat skin around her and play her like the conga drum she is. She can be heard on his first and third albums. NBA Superstar Wilt Chamberlain Real original, Walters. NBA Non-Super Star, Manute Bol Torrid affair during her "Freakishly Tall...

7:03pm: Clinton walks into a popular West-Philadelphia beauty parlor. Ladies in their seats turn around as Hillary yells "Yo, give me that hip-hop hair!" Everyone stares blankly as Remy Ma's Conceited plays in the background. "This is my shit!" Hillary cries, "Turn me up in the...

Buffets: "I don't get this" NASCAR: "I don't get this" Competitive Eating: "I don't get this" Bow Hunting: "I don't get this" Jordin Sparks concert: "I don't get this" Gatorade G2 Low-Calorie-Nightlife-Drink: "I don't get this" [starts peeing out of drinking...

I. Spitzer to Emperor VIP Pimp 9:45am: Hey. Gonna be in DC tonight and lonely. Send me a lady, plz? Not picky. No stretch marks, though. Maybe ethnic? Emperor VIP Pimp 9:57am: How about "Sandra Buttock?" Spitzer to Emperor 10:02am: Cool w/ me as long as she...

I. Mike Huckabee to John McCain 8:45pm: I tried my best... McCain 8:52pm: Yeah, you did and you failed, HARD. WHERE'S YOUR "GOD" NOW? SURFING ON CLOUDS AND HIGH-FIVING ANGELS??? Huckabee 9:01pm: He's...yes. [Note: Huckabee immediately gains back all 200 pounds after hitting...