Clinton: [Obama's plan for healthcare is] ...almost as if the health insurance companies and Republicans wrote it. Man: OH SHIT. Did it just get REAL in here? Or is it just me? Hillary is all "Yo, Obama's health-plan shit was ghostwritten! Not by ghosts!" [Annoying man pours...

PattiSolisODOYLERULES: ZOMG, Did u c Alicia Keys on the Grammy's last night? MikeHenry: I know! How did she play 2 keyboards? Do u think it was real? CrystalPatterson08 and KevinThurmanMunster have joined the chat. MikeHenry: LOL! CrystalPatterson08: Not funny. K? KevinThurmanMunster: I stole a hubcap from Hillary's bus...

[Edwards is sitting at the end of the bar. He's been there all day and night] Edwards: [singing] 'Til we go! To the end of the roooad! No I can't let go...it's unnatural, I belong to you...go! [Bartender walks up to him] Bartender: Ok, buddy...

I. Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton 11:15pm: And the landslide will bring you dowwwwn! Clinton 11:22pm: 8=====D ← suck it II. Elizabeth Kucinich to Barack Obama 11:41pm: Hey. Obama 11:49pm: Um. Hey. What's up? Kucinich 11:52pm: Nothin. Wanna come over? Obama 11:58pm: To...

Edwards: Oh, here they go again. I want to lock them in a room and fill it with helium and see what happens. Oh, Jesus. She is tearing his shit up--wow. Wow, her cheek bones are kind of weird. Ew. She generates a RIDICULOUS amount of saliva when she...

[Sutherland gently clinks a glass with his fork. The crowd hushes as he stands up on a table and addresses his fellow inmates] SUTHERLAND: Hi guys. CROWD: Hey, Kiefer! SUTHERLAND: Love that. [clears throat] It's a man's world, said James Brown. Well, back then, I didn't know...

Bombay: Spontaneous Bollywood Musicals break out in the street. The bad kind. Netherlands: Giant ogres emerge from caves, rip out windmills and battle with them. United Kingdom: Queen declares state of emergency, tries to escape the crisis with jet-pack given to her as a gift from Christopher Lloyd, from...

-Date auction with Sandy Weill. No one showed up (Lost season finale/hideousness.) -Forced first-year analysts to hawk bootleg DVDs in Chinatown. Didn't work; only had copies of Bee Movie. -Replaced cafeteria gourmet hamburgers and steaks with Grade F meat, maybe dog. Six people died of dysentery. Their...

[Romney stands at his father's headstone in an empty, cold cemetery] MITT: Hey, dad. It's Mitt. Well, I did it. I did it for you--won the 'ol homestate. Lots of car factories here. It's just...oh, I don't know. It felt like you were here...

Break #1 Clinton: Punched through blocks of wood held up by campaign volunteer. Obama: Refused any and all papers handed to him by interns. Gave Edwards the finger backstage. Edwards: Put on headphones and listened to "If I Had a Million Dollars..." by Barenaked Ladies as many times as possible...