According to the National Retail Federation (which paid for a huge PR campaign, so they ought to know) the Monday after Thanksgiving is now known as "Cyber Monday," the ceremonial kick-off of the online holiday shopping season. The good people at NRF are angling for Cyber Monday to become the new Black Friday (which has joined the recently-dubbed Black Saturday to form the even-more-recently-dubbed Black Weekend).

But even though Black Long Holiday Shopping Weekend has come and gone, Christmas is still a month away. That gives you plenty of time to struggle with the decision to brave the malls and big box stores or to turn to the Internet and skip one of the most cherished holiday chores. Can cybershopping ever approximate our time-honored, brick-and-mortar spending rituals? 23/6 helps you replicate the traditional shopping experience online.

Car
Any holiday music album made 1954-1981 (especially if sung by dogs or chipmunks)
Comfortable shoes
One pot of coffee
Sugar cubes/half-and-half/chocolate syrup
Aerosol whipped cream
One package soft cookies of your choice
Credit card
Small plate of sliced cheese and salami on crackers
Toolbox
Garden hose
Paper bag
Towels
Bowling ball
Frozen pizza

• Get in your car and drive slowly to a spot three blocks away. Immediately forget where you parked and walk back.
• Turn on your computer and fire up the iTunes Christmas mix. Hit "shuffle."
• Stand at the keyboard to achieve the sensation of going to the mall. Tell yourself you can skip the gym, just as you did in the old days of shuffling from store to store.
• Go to the kitchen and pour a cup of coffee. Add one ounce of chocolate syrup, 5 sugar cubes, and a shot of half-and-half; top with four inches of aerosol whipped cream. Leave $6.00 on the counter and continue shopping.
• Use a dial-up internet connection to make purchases. Meanwhile, post to several message boards while you wait for the transactions to go though. It will be just like standing on line for the cashier and making small talk with cranky fellow shoppers.
• Go into the kitchen and place six cookies into a baggie, then mash them into one giant cookie. Leave $4.00 on the counter, eat the cookie on your way back to shopping.
• Shop for video games. Become exasperated. Decide "Awesome Guitar Show Game" is just as good as—not to mention cheaper than—"Guitar Hero III." On the spur of the moment, purchase both. Put off deciding which nephew gets which.
• Return to the kitchen and sample cheese and salami on crackers.
• Go back to the computer and buy several salamis on impulse.
• Decide you've had it. Buy gift cards.
• Find the toolbox, a garden hose, fill a flimsy paper bag with towels and a bowling ball. Carry all of these to your car three blocks away and drive home.
• Carry in everything from your car and hide them from everyone in the house. Collapse into a chair. If someone should happen to ask you—or even if you live alone—every so often, yell, "Dinner is frozen pizza!"

Follow these steps carefully, and you should hate shopping online as much as you ever hated any real-life holiday shopping experience! Merry Cyberchristmas!