Odds that...

Osama bin Laden's newly-released tape will sound a lot fresher once it's remixed by Akon: 4-3

After today's D.C. rally honoring gays discharged from the military under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, "service member" takes on a whole new meaning: 8-7

Michael Jackson celebrates the 25th anniversary of his album "Thriller" by hitting Dubai's record stores and color-correcting the covers with Liquid Paper: 6-5

During today's auction of items from the Osbournes' home, Sharon explains that creaky, battered-looking antique in the corner is Ozzy: 3-2

Backstage Sunday night at "Movies Rock," Mary J. Blige and Jennifer Hudson fake-promise to record a duet, Kate Hudson and Charlize Theron vent their hatred for that rich bitch Reese Witherspoon, and Billy Bob Thornton hotwires a Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid and does donuts in the parking lot: 1-1