Former Sen. George Mitchell's report on steroid use in Major League Baseball pegged 89 players for using a variety of performance-enhancing substances, among them seven-time Cy Young Award-winner and future Hall-of-Famer (wait, not so fast!) Roger Clemens. 23/6's resident PR expert defends his client's honor.

Members of the legitimate media, and local sportswriters. I am here to respond to the claims from the Mitchell report that my client, pitcher Roger Clemens, purchased and used steroids starting in the late '90s.

Roger hasn't yet read the report—that thing is long, and he has trouble keeping his eyes fixed on a stationary target for more than 30 seconds—but he is very upset over the allegations. Not just upset—angry. I might even say enraged. A blind rage that burns with the passion of a thousand white-hot suns. And trust me, you wouldn't like Roger when he's enraged!

For instance, the other day I was giving Roger his twice-daily shoulder shave and squeezing his backne, and I asked how he felt about the rumors that he had taken steroids. He removed his t-shirt to give me more access to a particularly hirsute patch—well, really, he flexed and the shirt kind of ripped open—and said, "Roger angry!" I asked him to elaborate. "Roger in disbelief that Roger's rigorous training regimen being mistaken for illegal substance use!" he roared.

I pointed out to Roger that in 1996, he had a 10-13 record after a string of lackluster seasons, but the next year, when he signed with the Toronto Blue Jays and allegedly started taking steroids, he went 21-7 and won the Cy Young Award. Always the gentleman, he blamed his teammates. "Roger not get run support from weakling Red Sox lineup in '96. Jose Canseco and Mo Vaughn only players with latissimus dorsi power equal to mine," he growled, citing two teammates who, according to the Mitchell report, did take steroids, unlike Roger.

"But, Roger," I persisted, as we took Roger's car out for a spin (he can't handle enclosed spaces for too long). "Your critics are bringing up specific on-field incidents, such as that time you threw a splintered bat in Mike Piazza's direction."

At that, Roger nearly exploded in a violent paroxysm of totally-understandable anger. "Piazza made Roger angry with Head & Shoulders commercials. Roger unable to grow long, lush hair like Piazza," he shrieked, just as a Honda cut him off. Well, no wonder he was mad. If Roger has any faults, it's his 'roid rage!

What? I said, "It's his road rage." I didn't? What did I say? Really? Well, that's just how we pronounce "road" where I'm from. Uh, Scarsdale.

Anyway, Roger is still mulling whether he will return to baseball after this disturbing episode. For now, I ask that you forward any further interview requests to his last team, the New York Yankees, an organization that will undoubtedly handle this matter with the utmost class and humility.