Business

The Federal Reserve, some kind of weird bank that mysteriously manipulates American life, is freaking out that the U.S. (and hence, the world's) economy is in a tailspin. To counteract the slump, the Fed—again, the bank, not Britney's ex—lowered interest rates by 0.75% and President Bush may agree to a stimulus package of over $150 billion.

How did all this happen, and how are these strategies going to make it all better? Our helpful diagram makes it easy to understand the complex forces at work.

A. Holiday spending lower than hoped
B. As U.S. banks reel post-subprime mortgages, Euro skyrockets in value
C. Even awesome martial-arts knives unable to stimulate Asian economy
D. Hillary Clinton castration anxiety = bare shelves at Home Depot
E. University of Michigan Consumer Sentiment Index prelims for January
F. Merck names plaintiffs in Vioxx settlement
G. Saudi Arabia finds out what "Dirty Sanchez" means, applies to oil sales
H. Standard & Poor's 500 at all-time low
I. Goldman Sachs downgrades Alcatel-Lucent to "Sell" from "Neutral"
J. Dow drops 465 points, then recovers
K. Reports of layoffs at Yahoo
L. Nervous European banks become obsessed with "Animal Planet"
M. Oh, right, there's still an as-yet-unpaid-for war in Iraq
N. Not really sure what the octopus in the aquarium is all about
O. Broke Americans find solace in bottom of glass