Enough Already

Ladies and gentlemen, 23/6 is proud to bring you a battle of epically depressing proportions. In the rough-and-tumble world of celebrity rehab, only one star can be the most troubled, the most bizarre...in a word, the "rehabbiest." Today, two of the entertainment industry's most recent reahabbers face off for the title in the 23/6 12-Step Step Up: Sean Young vs. Amy Winehouse.

One, an emaciated British rocker who hasn't met a drug she couldn't abuse. The other, the "No Way Out" actress who's spent the last 20 years trying to find her way back in. Two troubled celebrities enter, but only one can win, though it's likely both will relapse.

Round 1: Name Calling: True, Amy's last name is Winehouse (she changed it from Heroincondo—too Jewish), but 48-year-old Sean's last name is Young, which for headline writers is like someone making a crappy movie and then calling it "Failure to Launch."
Advantage: Winehouse.

Round 2: Crew: Amy hangs with British rocker and infamous train wreck Pete Doherty. Over the last decade, Sean appeared in several made-for-TV movies, including Lifetime's teen, self-abuse drama, "Secret Cutting."
Advantage: Winehouse. Rock beats scissors.

Round 3: Cats: While smoking crack in a now infamous web video, Amy Winehouse still managed to show concern for the well being of her cat. Sean Young made her own Catwoman suit in an attempt to convince Tim Burton to give her the part in "Batman Returns."
Advantage: Young. Still in the running to play the cat in the big-screen adaptation of Amy Winehouse's crack smoking video.

Round 4: Influences (Non-alcoholic): Winehouse listens to classic jazz and girl groups of the '50s and '60s. Young enjoys listening to the many voices in her head.
Advantage: Young. Those voices are the only ones who understood "Blade Runner."

Round 5: Shouting Matches: Young to Julian Schnabel at the DGA awards: "Get on with it!" Winehouse to Bono at the Q Music awards: "Shut up! I don't give a f**k!"
Advantage: Tie. First one to heckle Gwyneth Paltrow wins.

Round 6: Previous Fights: Amy Winehouse and her husband were photographed bloodied and bruised after a fight in their hotel room. While attempting to gain entrance to the Vanity Fair Oscar party, Sean Young got in a heated argument with a decorative shrubbery.
Advantage: Young. that shrubbery had it coming.

Round 7: Name of potential VH1 reality show: Amy Winehouse: "The Best Crack Ever"; Sean Young: "Dancing Naked and Exhausted in Your Backyard with the Stars."
Advantage: Young. Work is work.

Round 8: Next Project: After the success of "Rehab," Winehouse searches for lyrics that rhyme with "nosedive toward oblivion." Sean Young will be heckling the barista at the North Hollywood Starbucks this March, two shows daily.
This week's winner and 12-Step Step Up champion: Sean Young!
This week's loser: Everybody else.