Election 2008

John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee, has been under fire from right-wing members of the Republican Party for not truly representing their conservative views. In order to assuage them, McCain spoke at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which kicked off its three-day session Thursday in Washington, D.C.

How far will John McCain go to stop the daily trashing he's been getting from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and the rest of the right-wing talk show cabal? Although McCain's speech was little more than a long and pandering laundry list of exaggerated right-wing bona fides—he did manage to dress it up a bit for performance's sake.

PREP: Get fitted for American flag. Note to seamstress: Make sure it doesn't touch the ground. Before appearing on stage, drape flag around T-shirt design:

Cue music: "God Bless the U.S.A." by Lee Greenwood

[spotlights flash, announcer comes on]

Announcer: "Ladies and gentleman, I'm proud to introduce to you the man who hates New York City and other similar sanctuary cities; Fox News Channel You Decide 2008's Man of the Year; tortured Vietnam veteran and guy who called his captors "gooks"; a man who certainly doesn't advocate shooting abortion doctors, but can see why one might, JOHN MCCAIN."

[Slideshow begins, images appear on screen behind me: Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, me shaking hands with Ronald Reagan]

Assume there will be applause here? I come running on to the stage. Make sure to high-five SEAN HANNITY, MICHAEL SAVAGE, and DICK CHENEY (in that order).

Me: Thank you ladies and gentleman. It's an honor to be here. I can't help but think of Ronald Reagan. Number one foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution!! Yes!

[Pause here for wild applause.]

On the way in today we passed a scurrilous abortion mill. A young woman was about to walk inside, so I jumped out of my American-made Cadillac Escalade ESV and talked with this young woman. When I said Jesus, our Lord and personal savior, loves every life, she went ahead and decided to have this child. Awesome!

[Expecting more applause at this point. Reprise Lee Greenwood tune to kill time if necessary.]

Let me talk about the war in Iraq. I supported it from day one. Seeing our men and women kick Muslim ass...it was our finest moment. Death to Islamofascists now, death to Islamofascists tomorrow, death to Islamofascists forever—that includes Iran. Am I right? Gonna vote for me yet?

[Laura Ingraham probably throwing panties on stage at this point. Be cool.]

Also, I want to talk about a man I love: Rush Limbaugh. He will have an active role in my administration. He's been a true leader of the conservative movement and a man who deserves all of our respect and admiration. Today, I am announcing that Rush has accepted the position of Secretary of State. Not to worry, you talk radio lovers out there, he'll still be broadcasting his insightful commentary.

Now I know some of you are upset that I've reached across the aisle to Demo-bin-Laden Party. I'll be honest with you good conservatives: I'm setting them up just to take them down. Never liked 'em. Anti-American baby killers. Gross, man. Not for Big Mac. No way.
[New image appears on big screen. Good one, Mac.]

[Time for the big finish.]
God bless all of you, and I'll follow each and every one of you to the gates of heaven.

[Cue fireworks. Can we get the Gruccis to get fireworks to explode in this design?]