Election 2008

Our long-lasting nightmare continues. Today is the primary voting in Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont, but it's Texas that seems be prompting the most questions. Much like Britney Spears, it's not a primary, but it's not yet a caucus.

What exactly is happening in Texas? Aside from the usual unintelligible nonsense? Check out our FAQ: The Texas Primary-Caucus.

Q: First of all, for the love of God why are the primaries even still going on?

A: Because neither candidate has reached the threshold of 2025 delegates needed to win.

Q: Will it ever end, or is this just a permanent part of our lives now? Like the weather. Or Amy Winehouse.

A: Most experts think it should end at some point, but, then, several of them have died since it began, long ago.

Q: So why is the Texas primary different?

A: It's not technically a primary. It's a combination primary-caucus that some call a "primacaucus."

Q: Is that anything like a "Dukakis?"

A: No.

Q: Jeez, lighten up.

A: Any more questions?

Q: Why does Texas do it this way?

A: They do everything in their own unique way. They're sort of like the violent special-ed kid of the whole country.

Q: So how does the primacaucus work?

A: Texas has 193 delegates. Of these, 126 will be chosen based on voting in the primary portion. The other 67 are chosen in the caucus. Voting in the primary is like any other primary. Fifteen minutes after the polls close at 7:00 p.m., the caucus begins. This portion is open only to those who voted in the primary process. To participate, voters return to whichever of the more than 1000 precincts they cast their primary vote in, and register their caucus vote.

Q: What?

A: Just go with it.

Q: Does this system favor either of the candidates?

A: The way the delegate allocation works is said to favor black districts over Hispanic districts, so it is thought that Obama has a chance to win the most delegates even if he loses the popular vote.

Q: Can you explain that?

A: No. It's too complex. Nobody can explain it. It just is.

Q: One last question. Is Obama really a Muslim who refuses to say the pledge of allegiance and hates our way of life?

A: Goodbye.

Q: That's a yes, right?

A: Yes.