According to the New York Times, being poor just became a whole lot suckier. In the past, being poor meant your kids had to be plucky newsies or British chimney sweeps. Fun! But now new goverment research shows that growing up with no money might actually mean dying well before the rich people. That's right: you'll be in the ground long before Britney and Lindsay finish whoring their way to Valhalla, mostly because they can afford to balance out all that cocaine with good health care.

While the study touches on some well-known causes of this trouble (apparently poor people think living in high-crime areas is a good idea), 23/6 examines a few other reasons why life expectancy inequality is outpacing income inequality.

• While the rich are holed up in deluxe high-rises, lower-income families are more susceptible to zombie attacks.
• Conspiracy by higher-income families to put poor people in the ground in the hopes of creating a new fossil fuel source.
• Lower-income families are more likely to have held Bear Stearns stock; now can't afford food.
• Without high-priced soaps to mask their scent, low-income people are more likely to be detected by lions and bears.
• Lower-income families are spending their last dollars tipping Cold Stone Creamery employees just to hear them sing. The ringing dulcet tones of an ice cream parlor counter jockey...it's all they have left.
• Lower-income families are purposefully becoming ghosts to scare off higher-income families and prevent gentrification.
• Hillary Clinton is, quite literally, systematically murdering the people who voted for Barack Obama in the primaries.
• Lower-income families have been purchasing discount electronics, such as phones missing the 9's and 1's, which makes contacting help during emergencies far more difficult.
• Potato famine, but that's going way back.