U.S.

A New York Times/CBS poll reports that 81 percent of respondents said they believed that "things have pretty seriously gotten off on the wrong track." As 23/6's resident PR flack-on-retainer explains, this is simply a case of looking at the glass as fourth-fifths empty instead of one-fifth full.

Hey, everyone! Didja hear the great news about my client, a little podunk outfit known as the United States of America? A whopping 19% of Americans think the country is on the right track! Talk about "mourning in America"!

Wait, I meant "morning in America." You can't hear the difference, but it's spelled differently on the talking points my assistant gave me. Let me just scan the rest of this now...hmm, you know what? I'm just gonna wing it. Suffice it to say we're headed for good times of catastrophic proportions.

And this 19% is only the tip of the American iceberg I like to call the "Titanic" for its colossal dimensions and unstoppable power. Yes, I know the Titanic was a ship, not an iceberg; what's important is that people believed it would be the best ship ever, just as people now believe America is headed straight for peace and prosperity. And what a majestic ship she was, the Titanic. Historic, right? If a ship like that goes down in history, it can't be for bad reasons. That's all I'm saying.

Think about it--19%. That's roughly the same percentage of dentists who don't recommend sugarless gum, because they're obviously aware of the perils of temporomandibular joint disorder for their patients who chew gum. Likewise, the good old U.S. of A. is running a well-oiled show, free of joint pain. I guess you could say our "flavor" is "Tropical Storm Bursting With Rapid-Response Emergency-Plan Crystals." With extra sugar for that sweet American taste.

What else does that well-informed 19% think is going right with America? Obviously, they can't speak for them, but they believe their manservants and maids also think the country is on the right track. Actually, they can speak for them, since their staff usually doesn't speak English. So that 19% is, if anything, an underestimate, because it neglects the voice of the low-income Spaniards.

This 19% sees untrammeled prosperity and happiness ahead: a rise in sunset yachtside dinners, a boom in Italian-tailored ice-cream suits, unprecedented growth in the importation of bottled Swedish supermodel tears. With this level of consumer confidence, how can wealth and assets not trickle down to the lower classes, just as Dutch ice cream trickles down one's cone, only to be caught before it stains one's ice-cream suit by one's agile and prostrated Spanish manservant?

Folks, I haven't felt this optimistic about America's future since early September, 2001.