The Delta-Northwest merger appears to be cleared for takeoff and on the way to creating the biggest airline in the history of the world. So put your seat back, fire up the headphones, order a complimentary tomato juice and get the skinny on the merger with our FAQ: the Delta-Northwest merger.

Hey, so I know we were just talking about airlines the other day, but they keep interrupting my shows with more footage of planes. So, what happened? A Delta plane crashed into a Northwest plane or something?

That's grim. No. Northwest and Delta Airlines have reached an agreement to merge.

Whoa, you mean, like, they'll form gigantic superplanes?

No. I mean the airlines will join together to form a single company.

Boring. Did you hear Ashlee Simpson's not pregnant?

This is important. Trust me.

Why?

Because it will lead to the creation of the biggest airline in the history of the world.

What about Hooters? They have planes.

Yes, but—

You know what else they have? Hooters. How can Delta-Northwest compete with that?

People are worried that the new business will create a monopoly and drive other airlines out of business while increasing prices.

Jeez, how many different versions of Monopoly do they need? My crazy aunt has "Kitten-opoly" or something. So would the pieces all be airplanes? What about Community Chest?

Do you know what an effort it is to get out of bed some days?

I'm just kidding. I know what a monopoly is.

Great. Anything else?

Yeah. What's a monopoly again?

Lord, give me strength. A monopoly is when an individual or enterprise has sufficient control over a—

Oh, wait, never mind, I remember now. So do I need to worry about how this, um...merger—did I say that right?—will affect me?

Well, the combined resources of the two companies could change things drastically for passengers.

Yeah? Like maybe now the packages of peanuts will be a little bit—

If you finish that sentence, this FAQ is officially over.

But you didn't hear my joke.

I know where you're going with it and I don't approve. Do you have any real questions, or can I go get drunk now?

Why are the airlines doing this?

Both companies just got out of bankruptcy and this will give them an edge in the market.

I thought Monopoly was over when you went bankrupt?

It's martini time.

No, wait, I have a serious question. Here it is. Will the merger mean the airlines will revise any crash procedures? Because now if you crash you get a life jacket, which is cool, but what if a shark comes? Couldn't you get a shark taser?

A shark taser. So the airlines could make you spend three hours going through security, removing your shoes and making you put things in Ziploc bags just in case you happen to smuggle on some of that "exploding shampoo," and then they'll give you a taser.

So...then, no?

No.

What about the frequent flier miles on my credit card?

They'll be fine.

Do the miles still count if they repo my stuff?

I doubt it, and they'll probably take away your credit card.

They already did. But hey, on the plus side, maybe now my luggage will actually arrive with me when I go on vacation, am I right?

You are so, so wrong.

Posted by: Duncan Quirk      I’m a fan of Duncan Quirk